


Call & Answer

by cadysthesun



Series: Call & Answer [1]
Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21794767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadysthesun/pseuds/cadysthesun
Summary: NB: Putting this into chapters, no new content.By the end of the night, it’s back down to just the three of them, and Janis feels normal for the first time in forever.Well, not normal. Cady is high on adrenaline and relief but she keeps watching Janis out the corner of her eye like she thinks there’s a chance Janis will just evaporate. It’s not normal. But it’s good.
Relationships: Cady Heron/Janis Sarkisian
Series: Call & Answer [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1714573
Comments: 5
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "I think it’s getting to the point where I can be myself again.
> 
> I think it’s getting to the point where we have almost made amends.
> 
> I think it’s the getting to the point that is the hardest part."
> 
> \- Call and Answer, Barenaked Ladies

By the end of the night, it’s back down to just the three of them, and Janis feels normal for the first time in forever. 

Well, not normal. Cady is high on adrenaline and relief but she keeps watching Janis out the corner of her eye like she thinks there’s a chance Janis will just evaporate. It’s not normal. But it’s good.

When they finally tumble out of the school, it’s like walking into a different universe, dark and still, and they all go a little quiet as they walk to Damian’s mom’s car. Cady had grabbed Janis’s hand again at some point, and when Janis stops walking, Cady only gets half a step further before glancing back at her.

Janis watches Damian until he’s definitely out of earshot, then looks at Cady and says quietly, “That was… cheesy as fuck, but kind of awesome. I was, like—" She physically braces herself, wincing. "—really proud? Or something.”

Taking half a step closer, Cady says, “No, I know what you mean. At the assembly, even though…” She trails off, a full beat of silence passing. “But some part of me was so fucking proud. You were… You…” She shakes her head, and the moment is so heavy that Janis starts to think she should have just kept her mouth shut.

“Hey,” she says, squeezing Cady’s hand and then pulling her into a hug.

Cady hugs her tightly and says, “I love you,” like it's the most natural thing in the world. Then, “Shit. I mean, um—” 

"Wanna take it back?" Janis offers, and Cady stops talking. “Same, dude.”

Cady breathes a little laugh, pushing up on her toes and wrapping her arms tighter around Janis’s neck, and after a second Janis really wishes she had the willpower to pull away, that she didn’t have to wait for Damian’s mom’s car to beep at them, for Cady to start letting go before she can do the same. 

> Damian: bitch
> 
> Janis: what
> 
> Damian: *eyes emoji*  
> Damian: that’s my gay eyes spying some gay shit
> 
> Janis: *middle finger emoji*

“I’m gonna walk her to the door,” Janis says as they pull up outside Cady’s house, climbing out of the car before anyone can comment. She sticks her hands in her pockets, watching the ground as they walk up the path and climb the steps to the porch. There’s a pause before Cady reaches for the door, and then Janis says, “Cady.”

But she says it the ‘right’ way and when Cady looks back at her, eyes wide, Janis can’t breathe.

Instead, she gives a mock curtsy-bow-salute combo and says, “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Cady says softly, and Janis can feel her watching as she turns and walks back to the car.

Janis drops into the back seat with her eyes closed, leaning her head back on the cushion, and Damian says from the front seat, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Janis says defensively.

"Yeah, I can _see_ that," Damian fires back, but he leaves it. 

Damian’s mom always waits for her to get inside, so Janis locks the front door behind her, walks through the house and out the back door, leaving that one unlocked. If she stopped to change or just think for a second she probably wouldn’t go, so she doesn’t do that. A couple backyards, a couple fences, and she’s on the path that leads to the next street. The street Cady lives on.

She contemplates the front door briefly, then circles the house looking for a window familiar enough to be Cady's. It's the only light on in the house, but also the only thing that isn't beige, the only spot of colour and illumination and she’s not gonna turn that into a metaphor because that would be gross.

Janis closes her eyes, breathing slowly for a minute, and strongly considers walking back home. Instead, she finds a pebble and tries to toss it gently. The first attempt falls short, and the second one hits the glass so hard Janis cringes and makes a guess at how much she'll have to pay if she literally breaks a window. 

Fuck it, at this point there's no turning back, so she keeps trying, and the curtains open. 

There’s Cady, squinting through the dark and then spotting Janis and grinning like it’s automatic—like a reflex, and it’s so bright Janis can feel the metaphor forming in the back of her mind without permission.

Janis gives a goofy little wave and almost immediately Cady starts looking worried, realizing that Janis shouldn’t actually be appearing on her lawn in the middle of the night. Janis gives a thumbs up to say everything's okay, then does the OK sign with her other hand to really reinforce the fact.

Rolling her eyes, Cady gestures for Janis to go around to the front door.

It feels like an eternity on that stoop, like she might just not open up, maybe sneak out the back door instead of face her.

Which is ridiculous, because they're fine. Now. Now, they're fine, and Cady eases the door open a second later, pulling Janis inside and into another hug.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, and Janis shrugs.

“I don’t know. Sorry.” When Cady leans back to see her face, she adds, “It’s late, I should go.”

“Okay,” Cady says, “wait. Just sit down for a second. We have cookies.”

Janis blinks at that, letting Cady lead her into the darkened kitchen and sit her down at the counter. She fills a glass with water, puts some cookies on a plate and sets them down in front of Janis, then wraps an arm around her shoulders and gives her another squeeze before rounding the counter to sit down facing her. She leans her forearms on the counter, watching Janis expectantly, so eventually Janis picks up a cookie and pretends to nibble at it. Then she pushes the plate across for Cady to take one.

“What’s going on with you and Aaron?” Janis asks, and Cady picks up a cookie, breaking it in half and then in quarters.

"He had to leave early, but… I wanted to stay. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about him." 

"There's a change," Janis says, and Cady goes still, closing her eyes and inhaling carefully. "Fuck, sorry." 

Swallowing, Cady looks down to find melted chocolate all over her fingers. She gets up to wash her hands at the sink without saying anything, and the whole thing feels vaguely surreal in the darkness, just moonlight and so many shadows.

“Cady, I’m sorry,” Janis says again. She can hear the desperation in her own voice, like this could be it, this could be over, already, in an instant—and Cady speaks from the sink, her back to Janis and the water running.

“It’s you and me, right?”

Janis turns, staring at Cady’s back as she shuts off the faucet, shakes water off her hands and then moves to dry them on a towel. By the time Cady faces her again, towel still in her hands, Janis has convinced herself she imagined it.

Cady takes a step forward, then another, a little of the darkness falling away with each one. She’s still a few feet away, just barely lit by moonlight from the window behind Janis, when she says quietly, “Say yes.”

“Yeah,” Janis says. “You know it is.”

Cady nods, closing her eyes, and Janis needs to get out of here before she literally suffocates on her own anxiety.

“Anyway,” she says, faux-casual. “I’m gonna call it a night.” She heads for the door, Cady trailing behind her, and turns back at the last second to say, “This was a one-time thing, promise."

It seems obvious to Janis, but Cady frowns, confused. 

"Just like, showing up on your doorstep in the middle of the night. I won't do it again." 

"You can do it again," Cady says immediately. She reaches past Janis to rub absently at something on the door jamb and adds, "Just… maybe call first." Tilting her head, she looks at Janis from a little too close, almost-smiling for the first time in what feels like hours. "So you don't have to throw rocks at my window." 

_It’s kind of romantic, though,_ she doesn’t say, jamming her hands into her pockets.

“Text me when you get home,” Cady says. “The second you get home.”

Janis nods and Cady gives a little wave, so Janis leaves before she can do anything else idiotic.

> Janis: home
> 
> Cady: *heart emoji*
> 
> Janis: you good?
> 
> Cady: I'm happy  
> Cady: I kind of stopped believing tonight really happened as soon as I got home  
> Cady: so I'm glad you came over
> 
> Janis: then I'm glad too 

Going back to school on Monday is weird. As transformative as Saturday felt, the actual impact is the entire school putting Cady back up on a pedestal, only this time for being super relatable and of-the-people, which means people actually come up to her in the hall. Like, all the time. 

At first, Janis and Damian don't know what to do with that. They watch from a few feet back, not entirely confident that this won’t be the start of another downward spiral, but it's pretty much immediately apparent that Cady is not into it. She doesn't want the praise or the attention—she honestly just wants to be left alone. She doesn't ask for their help but Janis can't stand the way she gets smaller every time it happens, and at some point she just starts cutting in.

"Cady, we have to go." "Cady, come on, we're late." "Cady, for fuck's sake, I need to pee _right now_."

It doesn't always make sense and Janis doesn’t really care if it makes her seem rude. Cady relaxes a little once she realizes that Janis and Damian aren't going to abandon her if she turns her back on them (literally her physical back) for one second, and that’s enough.

They present a united front and people start to figure out that if Cady is with them, it's pointless to approach her—so they all stick pretty close together. Which... was sort of always the plan, back before their plans became obsolete.

At the end of that first week, Damian has extracurriculars so Janis and Cady walk home alone, and somehow _this_ is the most uncomfortable Janis has felt since Saturday. The whole walk is dead silent and as much as she wants to change that, she can't actually bring herself to speak. 

When they stop on the sidewalk in front of Cady's house, she doesn't make a move to go in. Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, she fiddles with the strap on her bag and says, "Um," and Janis thinks, _Oh shit._

"Cady, what? Is something wrong?"

Cady looks up, smiling at her like she can't help it, and shakes her head. "No, um, so my mom's coworker needed a babysitter and since I'm still kind of in trouble I got volunteered. I thought maybe, like, if you don't already have plans, or... um, you could come 'help,'" with air quotes, "and then we could hang out after the kids go to bed."

Janis fully expected to spend the entire weekend alone since things are still technically weird with Cady and Damian has family stuff, and part of her is kind of terrified of how awkward it could be, but the larger part just really wants to spend time with Cady. Besides, that’s the only way to make it less awkward, right?

“Sure,” Janis says, shrugging. “Sounds kinda fun.”

Cady beams, hands clasped in front of her, looking way happier than that response should have warranted, and Janis just looks at her, waiting for Cady to remember she's supposed to be going inside.

"Okay," Cady says, glancing back at the house. "My mom is driving so we'll pick you up tomorrow at like 4:30-ish?"

"Sounds good," Janis says, and Cady smiles again like if she just keeps trying Janis will smile back.

And it's so pure, so blatantly hopeful, that she does, shaking her head.

Cady smiles bigger, then gives a little wave and says, “I’ll text you,” before finally turning to walk the rest of the way to the house. At the door she turns and waves again before going inside, and Janis walks away thinking, _Was that as fucking weird as I thought it was?_ This is why she needs Damian—to tell her if that was fucking weird or if she’s just paranoid.

> Janis: should I bring anything?
> 
> Cady: just yourself *winking emoji*
> 
> Janis: do not
> 
> Cady: like what?
> 
> Janis: art project?
> 
> Cady: tbh I don’t know anything about these kids so I’d say hold off but it’s up to you  
> Cady: speaking of not knowing anything about them  
> Cady: idk how to say this and it’s not a judgment  
> Cady: but could you maybe possibly wear, like…. pants?
> 
> Janis: lmaooo yes I can wear pants, I do in fact own a pair
> 
> Cady: *grimacing emoji*
> 
> Janis: it’s all good

The next day, Janis wakes up without an alarm and stays in bed for a while, staring at the ceiling. She hates weekends. Her house is always empty and half the time Damian has plans, because he has a life. Even though Cady wasn’t around all that much at the best of times, after their fight weekends became this hellish gauntlet that Janis had to get through, just to go to school on Monday and be equally miserable. It doesn’t bear thinking about, but sometimes she just can’t stop.

When she checks her phone, there’s a text from Damian (a gif of a kitten with sparkly text overlaid reading _I love you_ ) and one from Cady.

> Cady: good morning *smiley emoji*
> 
> Janis: what’s up?
> 
> Cady: nothing, I said good morning  
> Cady: *smiley emoji*
> 
> Janis: my bad, good morning  
> Janis: you seem chipper
> 
> Cady: it’s the first day of the rest of my life  
> Cady: jk  
> Cady: I’m feeling mildly optimistic

Janis sends the gif of Oprah saying, “Well hello! Let’s celebrate that.”

It almost makes Janis want to feel mildly optimistic too, but at the very least it does knock her out of her rut and allow her to get out of bed. She feels her way down the stairs while finding the right gif to reply to Damian with: animated text reading _disappointed but not surprised._ In the kitchen she finds food and gets a gif back from Damian: a cartoon beaver yelling, “You can’t handle the truth!”

They send a few more back and forth while she eats, then she puts her phone on do-not-disturb and changes into painting clothes. She’s restless and can’t really focus, so she rolls out some butcher paper on the floor and sits down with her cheapest acrylics and dollar store brushes, just fucking around.

The good news is she manages to kill a few hours like that. The bad news is she realizes she’s spent three hours perfecting Cady’s hair.

She adds some fresh paint and crumples the whole thing so the paint will either smear or dry together, then goes to have a shower. _We’re gonna pretend that didn’t happen._ Dark gray jeans, a top that covers her belly, a jacket that covers her butt. Job-interview levels of eyeliner and painted Converse instead of her boots.

When she leaves the house and approaches the car, Mrs. Heron gives a tight smile through the windshield and Cady doesn’t smile at all, which is immediately disorienting. Janis climbs into the backseat on Cady’s side and reaches a hand through the gap between the seat and the side of the car to touch Cady’s arm as she says, “Hi, Mrs. Heron.” Cady brings a hand up to cover hers, giving it a squeeze and then letting go so Janis can put her seatbelt on.

“Hi sweetheart,” Mrs. Heron says as they pull out of the driveway. “How’s your mom?”

“She’s great,” Janis says automatically.

The car goes very quiet, then Mrs. Heron sighs. “Remember binti, we’re trusting you to make good choices. If you have a question, call either one of us. Did you charge your phone?”

“Yeah, mom.”

“Binti, you know better.”

“Sorry. Yes, mom.”

“If someone gets hurt, don’t call us. Call the nurse hotline or 911. I programmed both numbers into your phone. If someone eats something they shouldn’t, call the poison control hotline. You have that number too. Can you think of anything I’m forgetting?”

“No, mom. Janis babysits all the time so I think we’ll be okay.”

“Is that right, Janis?” Mrs. Heron asks, her eyes flicking up to meet Janis’s in the rearview mirror.

It’s not, but Janis immediately nods. “Sure, I babysit my cousins all the time. They love me.” Her cousins hate her, and they aren’t even that much younger, but anyway.

“Do you have our numbers?”

“Um,” Janis starts, but Cady’s on it.

“I texted them,” she says, and Janis’s phone buzzes.

“Got ‘em. We’re all set.” She goes to swipe the text away and a second one comes in.

> Cady: you look nice btw

They pull into the driveway and Mrs. Heron says, “We’ll text you for updates. Keep your phone close.”

Cady lets out this quiet breath, the kind when you want to sigh but you know you’ll just make things so much worse for yourself.

“Binti?”

“Yes, mom. I will.”

“Thank you for the ride, Mrs. Heron,” Janis says in this voice Cady has probably never heard before, the voice you use when you need to sweet-talk a cop—or a parent.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. You girls have a good night.”

They climb out of the car and Janis slings an arm around Cady’s shoulders as they walk to the door, a reassurance she tries to make look casual.

“Sorry, that’s so embarrassing,” Cady says softly.

“It’s fine. Damian’s mom’s the same way—except he actually likes it, which is _way_ more embarrassing.”

Cady almost laughs, glancing over at her as they reach the door and Janis drops her arm, her other hand moving to press the doorbell.

“You good?” Janis asks quietly as they wait, and Cady gives her hand a quick squeeze.

“I’m good.”


	2. Chapter 2

The house is pretty nice—nicer than Cady’s house, which means way nicer than Janis’s—and when the mom opens the door it’s obvious she belongs. Cady’s parents have that rustic thing going on that makes the money less obvious, but this lady has the professional dye job, blow-out, nails done, clothes that are so quietly expensive you don’t even know why you’re suddenly feeling smaller. She seems nice, but rich-nice.

“Hi girls, come on in.” She gives Cady a hug, then turns to Janis and hesitates, expression going poker-face blank.

“Hey, I’m Janis,” she says, offering a handshake.

“You can call me Nicole, honey. You too, Cady. Just don’t tell your mom.”

She ushers them in and has them take off their shoes, then asks to take Janis’s jacket.

“I’m good,” Janis says, and Nicole does that polite-but-kind-of-passive-aggressive hesitating thing again. “It’s a style choice,” she deadpans, looking past Nicole at Cady, who tries not to smile.

“Okay, hon. No problem. I made a list—” 

She leads them into the kitchen, where a notebook is the only thing on any of the multiple counters, and Janis thinks, _This lady has a maid. She has a maid but she doesn’t have a nanny?_ They gather around the notebook and Nicole starts to go over the items on the list; Cady leans forward, nodding along, and while they’re both looking down Janis watches Cady, because it’s the only thing in this room she understands. She decides to ask Cady what her mom actually does, since apparently it pays well. Cady’s always been very relaxed about money, even though she didn’t grow up with it—it can’t be that hard to figure out when most of what you need to know is ‘there’s enough.’

Cady looks up as Nicole turns away and Janis shifts her attention to Nicole, who picks up her phone from another counter and does whatever she needs to do for the doors upstairs to open and footsteps to sound on the stairs.

Janis turns toward the door and Cady rounds the counter to stand beside her, bumping her in a way that almost seems accidental. With Cady, it's always safe for the first assumption to be an accident. But she bumps her again, like it’s a message she needs heard and acknowledged, so Janis bumps her back.

A second later, the dad and two boys walk through the door, and Cady moves forward to introduce herself. Janis hangs back, waving when Cady points her out. All three of them are equally well-groomed and neatly dressed, and the little boys—they’re like seven-ish and nine-ish so not that little, but still—have their blonde hair cut short, combed and gelled. Janis has known kids like this—these are the kids who follow around the Reginas of the world. These are the kids who grow up to be Aaron Samuels.

They’re looking at Cady like she just arrived from heaven and Janis is like, same—they’re kids, she can’t really blame them, but she eyes the dad suspiciously. He isn’t even paying attention, talking to Nicole and looking at his watch, but Janis makes a mental note to never leave Cady alone with him. Rich dads are not to be trusted.

They go over the list one more time and the parents leave, then Janis says, “So what’s the plan?”

“Weren’t you listening?”

“To what?”

Cady blinks at her for a second, then says, “Never mind. The guys have another hour of quiet time, then dinner, then up to two hours of screen time.”

“Do we have to go to our room for quiet time?” It’s the taller-slash-older one, whatever his name is.

Looking at him in this direct, even way, Cady says, “What’s the rule?”

“There’s no rule, it’s just that when mom is home she likes us to be in our room with the door closed, um, but we’re really quiet and I think you wouldn’t mind if we stayed downstairs.”

It kind of sounds like he’s lying, but he could just be a nervous kid. Anyway, who gives a shit if he’s quiet downstairs instead of being quiet upstairs with the door closed? Jesus Christ.

Cady looks at Janis and she tries to communicate ‘This lady’s a nutjob’ with a slight widening of her eyes. Shrugging, Cady looks back at the kid. 

“Dinner’s pretty soon so you might as well stay downstairs, okay? Do you need me to grab something for you?”

He leads them to a door just outside the kitchen that has a slide lock almost at the very top. Cady could probably reach it—she’s not _that_ short—but she looks to Janis, who gets to feel tall for a second. The pantry is disturbingly well-organized, everything in bins within larger bins. The kids’ bin is the largest, on the floor under the lowest shelf, and Cady pulls it out to let them choose what they want. The taller one takes a puzzle, the smaller one a colouring book and pencil crayons.

While Cady gets them set up at the kitchen table, Janis goes back to scan the list and make sure she didn’t miss anything vitally important. Cady comes to stand beside her a minute later, fully inside her personal bubble, and says quietly, “You’re with me, right?”

“Yeah.”

“On this planet?”

“Yes,” Janis says. “I listen when _you_ talk.”

Cady looks up at her and Janis has to force herself not to physically put space between them, staring at the list. “Can you listen when the kids talk, too? Just to be on the safe side?”

“Yep. Already on it.” Squeezing her hand, Cady starts to move away, and Janis says, “Wait.”

Cady turns back like it must be important and Janis avoids her eyes, looking past her at the kids.

“Which is which?”

“The older—taller one is Aiden. The smaller one is Jake.”

“Yeah, I’m not gonna remember that,” Janis says, and it sounds so fucking rude she wants to smack herself.

“It’s fine, just don’t use names,” Cady says, and Janis forces herself to look at her, needing to know if she’s pissed off. Cady just smiles, the same easy, near-automatic smile that's becoming familiar, and Janis nods.

Cady goes back to the table and Janis skims over the list one more time before joining them. The puzzle is five hundred pieces, which seems relatively advanced for a nine-year-old.

“Hey buddy, you mind if I do a corner?”

The kid shrugs, so Janis moves her chair a bit closer, glancing across the table to where Cady and the smaller kid are colouring.

He looks straight back at her and says, “What happened to your hair?”

Bringing a hand up, Janis rubs the shaved side hard and says, “Believe it or not, I did this on purpose. You like it?”

“It’s weird.”

“Yeah, but weird isn’t always bad.”

He frowns. “Really?”

“Back me up, Cady.”

“I like weird,” Cady says without looking up from the colouring book.

“Is that why you’re friends with her?” he asks, and Janis is momentarily stunned. This kid is fucking brutal.

“No,” Cady says. “That’s just a bonus.”

Janis stares at her for a second, expecting Cady to look up and give her a forced smile, an apology for the comment or for saying something nice, an _I tried_. But there’s no sign that Cady even knows Janis is listening. She’s very focused on outlining a turtle’s shell, and Janis finally looks down at the puzzle, analyzing it for colours and shapes, lines and borders.

“Is she your best friend?” the boy asks Cady, and Janis pretends to ignore them.

“Yeah.”

“Is she your favourite person in the world?”

Cady doesn’t answer.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Jake,” the older boy says. “Shut up or else.”

Janis officially remembers which boy is which, and Aiden is officially her favourite.

“Don’t say shut up,” Cady says, “but let’s all just be very quiet now.”

The boys obey her without comment, which doesn’t surprise Janis at all. Her and Aiden actually make a decent puzzle-doing team—he’s pretty smart and he doesn’t call Janis weird, so she’s considering stanning. Maybe babysitting doesn’t always have to be the pits of hell. 

After a bit, Cady checks the time and gets up from the table. 

"Can I help?" Janis asks. 

"It'll take two seconds, don't get up."

Two seconds later, Janis's phone buzzes on the table and she glances at it. 

> Cady: 1 attachment 

She looks over her shoulder, but Cady has already put her phone down and opened the fridge. Janis swipes the message open and sees a photo of her at the table with the kids, head bent over the puzzle. 

> Janis: delete
> 
> Cady: lol
> 
> Janis: d e l e t e

When Cady comes back to the table after putting dinner in the oven, Janis taps her phone pointedly. 

"No," Cady says. 

"Excuse me?" 

Cady gives her a look. "I won't do anything with it but I'm not gonna delete it." She tacks on a Regina-style fake, "Sorry!" 

"Geez." Someone grew a spine. 

"Are you fighting?" Jake asks. 

"Why, you tryna be her new best friend?" Janis shoots back. "No, we aren't fighting. That's just how we talk to each other." 

“You should be nicer.”

“ _I_ should be nicer?” Janis echoes, and the kid nods. She almost laughs. “What do you think, Cady, should I be nicer?"

Cady is immersed in her colouring again and just says, like it’s the obvious answer, “You’re wearing jeans.”

Fair enough. “That’s a no,” Janis tells the kid. “I think we’re good, dude, but thanks for the advice.”

After dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, they troop to the playroom, and Janis forgets why she ever felt sorry for these kids. There’s a huge TV at one end, with a sectional couch big enough to seat an army, and a playmat at the other end surrounded by shelves of books and toy bins.

Which… is fine. Janis is above jealousy, and she doesn’t care about material things, blah blah whatever. Maybe she should let this kid take her place as Cady’s best friend if it means Janis can tag along and hang out here.

Jake flops down on the floor with his tablet and Cady sits down with him while Janis follows Aiden to the couch. He pulls out a Nintendo 64 because it’s no longer cool to have the newest system, probably, and they play Mario Kart. After a while—not that long, which might make Janis feel insecure if she wasn't just like, same—Aiden says, “Does Cady wanna play?”

“I’ll go ask, okay?” 

She gets up and takes a couple of steps in that direction. Jake is still watching something on his tablet and Cady is sitting nearby, her back to Janis and a variety of dinosaur toys scattered around her. She makes stomping noises as they walk around, then their paths cross and they seem to have entire conversations, though Janis can’t hear what they’re saying. 

“They talk?” Janis says, and Cady starts a little, looking up. “The dinosaurs talk?”

“Well, the interpersonal drama would get pretty boring if they couldn’t talk,” Cady says, rolling her eyes.

A good and fair point that Janis honestly should have thought of herself.

“Can you come here a second?” Janis says, waving her over, and Cady pushes up from the floor to walk closer. When she’s near enough for their conversation to be private, Janis says, “You ever played a video game?”

Cady shakes her head.

“Want me to teach you?”

“I’m gonna look really dumb,” Cady warns.

“So what else is new?”

Almost laughing, Cady mouths _bitch_ back at her and Janis grins.

“Want to?”

Cady nods, putting a hand on her arm and turning to say, “Jake, you wanna come sit on the couch?”

He shakes his head, lying on his back on the floor with the tablet in front of his face.

“Okay, if you change your mind, come sit with us.”

Janis puts Cady where she was sitting, handing her the controller and sitting down beside her to show her how to hold it. She covers Cady’s hands loosely with her own to demonstrate the necessary movements. “Use the joystick to steer—you don’t have to move it much or you’ll start going in circles. This button to speed up, this one to slow down, which is good on turns… When there’s a mystery box on the road you wanna drive through it, then this button to use it. You wanna avoid any banana peels, for obvious reasons.” She tries to think if she’s missing anything. “Okay, give it a shot.”

They play a couple rounds, then Janis covers Cady’s hands again, bringing the controller down to her lap.

“You don’t have to move your hands so much. You’re really just using your thumbs.”

“It helps,” Cady says, pouting a little, and Janis looks at her mouth a split second too long.

“Do what you want,” Janis says mildly. “It’s just embarrassing, but no one can see you here so it doesn’t matter.”

“You’re no one?”

“You can’t embarrass yourself in front of me, so in that sense, I’m no one.”

“You think I’m embarrassing sometimes,” Cady argues back.

“No,” Janis says. They’re sitting too close to be having an actual conversation, and she looks at Cady’s mouth again without meaning to. “I think you’re funny sometimes, but that’s not the same thing.”

“Can we play?” Aiden says, too polite to sound impatient, and Janis is on her feet before the thought can occur to her.

“Aiden, can you help Cady if she needs anything? I’m gonna go hang out with Jake.”

She sits down a few feet away from him on the floor, near Cady’s dinosaurs, and pulls out her phone.

> Janis: hey I’m dying
> 
> Damian: what’s up?
> 
> Janis: picture cady + children
> 
> Damian: ohhhh  
> Damian: but sweetie  
> Damian: how did you not see that coming
> 
> Janis: not helpful
> 
> Damian: I love you  
> Damian: thoughts & prayers, okay?
> 
> Janis: love you

He’s right. She did this to herself. Because she’s a moron.

After a while of Janis and Jake ignoring each other in equal measure, Cady plops down on the floor beside her, and she leans on Janis like maybe she overbalanced, maybe she didn’t. Janis just freezes and Cady puts her hand down, leaning her weight on it so their arms are almost touching.

“Hey,” Janis says. “How’d it go?”

“I haven’t won _yet_ ,” Cady says, “but don’t count me out.”

“Never.”

Cady turns, one leg folded between them, and moves the edge of Janis’s jacket, finding one of her belt loops and hooking a finger through it. “Thanks for coming with me,” she says, head still down.

“Sure,” Janis says. “Anytime.”

Cady looks up at that, even though Janis isn’t looking at her, and tugs absent-mindedly. “So if I ask you again…”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Cool,” Cady says, looking down again, and Janis thinks, _Fuck._

> Janis: tell me why I just agreed to do this again
> 
> Damian: you don’t want me to answer that
> 
> Janis: fml

“You know we’ve never actually spent this much time together,” Cady says.

Yeah. One of Janis’s chief regrets in life. Maybe if they’d spend more time together before Cady met Regina, or if they spent more time together in the midst of everything, if they’d just—if Janis had known better, she would have kept Cady with her. She wouldn’t have been willing to send her into the lions’ den.

Honestly, she shouldn’t have been willing to do that to anyone, but there's no point dwelling on it. 

“The good news is we’re still friends,” Janis says dryly.

“Yeah,” Cady says, laughing. “This was the litmus test. It’s not over yet, though.”

“Ominous.”

“Just like, literally, the night isn’t over. I don’t _think_ anything terrible is going to happen.”

“Fingers crossed,” Janis says, because she has to say something, but there’s nothing to the words, not even sarcasm. Cady looks at her, watching the side of her face, and after a second Janis picks up her phone and brushes Cady’s hand away, saying, “I’m gonna go pee.”


	3. Chapter 3

By the time she gets back (after checking out all the medicine cabinets and cupboards), it’s bedtime, so Janis offers to clean up the playroom while Cady puts them to bed. She doesn’t really know what that entails but she knows that whatever it is, those kids want Cady to do it. Janis kind of feels like they’ve earned five minutes alone with Cady after putting up with the two of them all night.

She puts everything away and does two full walk-throughs because she’s pretty sure one dinosaur out of place would get them banned for life, then switches off the light and closes the door. With the only light coming from somewhere at the front of the house, she sits down at the top of the stairs and shuts her brain off for a bit.

A door behind her clicks open and closed, then Cady sits down beside her on the top step. When Janis glances over, her eyes are closed; she looks very tired and very, very small.

“You okay?”

Cady glances at her, then looks off down the stairs at nothing in particular. “I don’t really want to go home,” she whispers.

“Your mom was pretty hard on you in the car."

She shrugs, closes her eyes, shakes her head, none of it really meaning anything. “They never even had to think about trusting me before, you know? It wasn’t a factor. With that gone, they don’t know how to deal with me. I don’t blame them,” she adds, emphatic and hopeless at the same time. “They don’t know how to do this, but…” She swallows hard, but her voice still wavers when she finishes, “Neither do I.”

Janis wraps an arm around her shoulders and Cady leans hard into her side, head down. “I’m sorry,” Janis says softly, and Cady shakes her head again. Bringing her other hand up, Janis brushes the ghost of a touch over Cady’s hair, like she lost her nerve halfway through. “I hope I didn’t get you in more trouble… showing up…”

Slightly delayed, Cady pulls back just enough for Janis to see her face, though she doesn’t look at her. “I don’t think they woke up. Anyway, my mom weirdly thinks you’re a good influence, I guess because you weren’t, like, directly involved.”

“Weirdly?” Janis says, half-joking. “Should I be insulted?”

Cady gives her this sidelong, narrowed look, like she doesn’t know whether she needs to relitigate the whole twisted narrative.

“No, I know. Thanks for not correcting her, I guess.”

“It’s more true than not,” Cady says, “now.”

“Huh,” Janis says absently. “I guess I’m like, your only option. Kind of full-circle.”

She genuinely doesn’t mean anything by it, but Cady physically flinches, moving out from under Janis’s arm, and it hits her all at once what she just said.

“No,” she says. “That’s not—I didn’t mean…”

“What did you mean?” Cady says, and Janis doesn’t have an answer. She waits longer than Janis deserves before saying flatly, “It’s fine. It’s the same situation, right? Trust.”

“No.”

“No, what?” 

“It’s not the same and I don’t want you to think it is,” Janis says all in a rush. “I’m not your mom and you don’t have to earn my trust. I know I say the stupidest shit sometimes but it isn’t—there’s no deeper meaning, I’m just a fucking idiot. I don't want you to prove anything to me, okay? I don't."

For the first time since she sat down, Cady is holding eye contact, and whether it’s because of the dark or because of Cady’s inherent mystery, Janis can’t read her. She brings a hand up to touch Cady's jaw and says, "Do you believe me?"

Cady nods.

"Are we okay? Can we be okay?"

Cady nods again and Janis lets out a breath, closing her eyes.

"I just—" Cady says. "I need us to be okay. I need one thing to be okay."

"Yeah," Janis says. "I'm sorry."

For the millionth time, Cady shakes her head, and Janis turns away, leaning her forearms on her thighs. 

"I need a snack," she says, because she has to say something, and Cady puts a hand on her arm, getting up and walking downstairs. Janis lets her get down the stairs and out of sight before jogging down after her, and by the time she hits the kitchen Cady has a granola bar for her. 

"This has whole grains," she says, which is just very Cady of her. 

"You're sweet," Janis says without thinking about it, moving past her to the table. Neither of them turned on the overhead light, and when Cady sits down across from her Janis thinks that she's getting used to this shadowy version of her face. It's not less—anything, but still makes it easier to look at her. She opens the granola bar and says, “Those kids are already half in love with you, it’s kind of cute.” 

Cady stares at her like she just said something completely nonsensical and there's a moment of confused impasse. 

"That might be… a cultural difference," Janis guesses. "The babysitter crush is a childhood rite of passage, it's very normal." 

"Babysitter crush," Cady says, like she's trying out the words. 

"Yeah, like, I had this babysitter I was completely in love with, but it was the little things. They’d sit on the floor to play board games, or they’d…” 

There’s something to the look Cady gives her then, and Janis trails off.

“’They,’” Cady says.

“She,” Janis amends. “It’s habit.”

Cady nods like she doesn’t really believe her, which… yeah.

“Anyway, you’re like the archetypal babysitter crush. Pretty, nice, you smell good." Cady immediately looks down at her lap and Janis says, “Sorry,” then skates over it. “You look them in the eye, you talk to them like people. They don't stand a chance."

“I don’t know if that should be flattering. It’s kind of just weird.”

“I know,” Janis says. “It is weird. Especially for you, I get that. You just… I dunno, I think you could be good for a kid like that. Even if you didn’t give a shit, like even if you didn’t put any effort in, you’d just… make a difference.”

Cady just stares at her for a second, then narrows her eyes. “Are you being nice?”

“No,” Janis says immediately, shaking her head. “Definitely not. No, that’s like… an objective observation.”

“’Objective,’” Cady echoes.

“What’s a word that’s like objective but not?”

“Biased.”

“Unbiased, thank you,” Janis says, and Cady laughs, shaking her head. The last traces of their most recent misunderstanding seem to drop away, and Janis grins back at her. “So, yeah. I can’t say I ever really thought about, like, ‘what Cady should do with the rest of her life,’ but you’re good with them.”

“Maybe I’ll just be a mom,” Cady says, and Janis can’t tell if she’s being serious.

“Yeah,” Janis says, “or teach, or visit schools, or just like, read to kids in your spare time.”

Cady’s eyebrows go up the tiniest bit and Janis looks away, shrugging one shoulder.

“Or, y'know, whatever.”

“Your babysitter,” Cady says a beat later. “She made a difference?”

Looking down, Janis pulls her hair over one shoulder and combs her fingers through it. “I mean, she had better things to do, but… some kids just need someone to look at them and see, you know, a person.” She wraps her hand around the bulk of her hair, brushing the ends over the opposite palm, then looks up and says, “I was cute, by the way. You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but…”

Cady’s eyes go really wide, and Janis thinks, _That was the wrong thing to say._

“You’re gonna show me baby pictures,” Cady says, like she’s awe-struck by the very generous offer that Janis definitely did not make. Janis shakes her head, but Cady says, “Yes, you are. You brought it up, you have to.”

She isn’t wrong, unfortunately. That is in fact how friendship works.

On Monday, while she’s waiting for Cady to get her stuff out of her locker for homeroom, Janis says, “Would your mom let you do your homework at my house?”

She's leaning against the next locker, looking off down the hall, but she knows when Cady looks at her, and that her eyes go really wide again. 

“She will if I tell her about the baby pictures! You’re so smart. Oh, she’ll even like you more, you’re a genius.”

That is absolutely, a hundred percent _not_ what Janis meant—but at the same time, it’s a good fucking trade, so she just shrugs.

On the way to lunch, they step outside to call Cady's mom while Damian goes ahead to hold their place in line. Janis crosses her arms, leaning one shoulder against the wall and watching Cady nervously play with her hair. 

"Hi mom. Yeah. Yeah. No, um, I was wondering if I could go to Janis's house after school to do homework. Yeah, we have a French—yeah. Um, the thing is, you know on Saturday? We were talking about our childhoods, like babysitters we had, and Janis said she _really_ wanted to show me her baby pictures." 

Cady flicks her eyes over to Janis, then away. 

"Yeah, they have old photo albums. I know. No, I know. Yeah, I completely agree." 

She looks at Janis again, then turns away a little and lowers her voice, like Janis isn't obviously going to keep listening. 

"Um, okay, but sunset today is—no, I know. I did. I mean, I'll tell her, I just think—yep. Okay. Will do. Thanks mom, bye." 

Putting her phone in her pocket, she turns back to Janis and gives her this pained kind of smile, though she really tries to force it into something brighter. 

"So… God, okay, so I have to be home by six, um… and sunset today is at 7:53, but my mom says that if it gets dark before I leave your house…" She runs a hand through her hair, squeezing her eyes shut. "You have to walk me home." 

Pressing her lips together, Janis tries not to smirk. "I can walk you home." 

Cady gives her a nervous glance, then reiterates, "If it gets dark." 

"Nah, I think I'll walk you home either way." 

There’s no visible reaction, but it kind of seems like Cady doesn’t know what to do with that. She narrows her eyes, trying to decide whether to argue. 

"You want your mom to like me, right?" 

It takes Cady another beat to let it go. She doesn't say anything, but she walks past Janis to go inside and all Janis can think is that even with the baby pictures, she's coming out way on top.

That sounded _so_ wrong.

When she catches up to Cady in the hall she asks, "What was your mom saying when you were like—" She mimics the softer tone Cady's voice got when she said, "'I know. I know. I completely agree.'" 

Cady grins, looking across at Janis as they walk down the hall. "'You can just tell that she was a cute baby. Don't you think? Those cheeks. Oh honey, isn't she just the sweetest girl? Don't you think?'" 

"You're lying," Janis says, trying not to laugh. 

"I'm half-lying," Cady says, seeming very pleased with herself. "You can decide which half." 

They spend the entire day trading looks and grins, which is ridiculous. They literally just got a two-hour stay of execution to do homework, but it's progress. Meanwhile, Damian watches the whole thing like it's a tennis match. 

Because the situation is so precarious, Damian goes home. As much as she hates herself for it, Janis is grateful for the excuse to be alone with Cady, since it's almost impossible to make that happen otherwise. She'd have to tell him that's what she wanted, and she can't do that. 

As soon as he walks away, she texts him: _miss u already_

> Damian: have fun *smirking emoji*
> 
> Janis: I take it back 

She puts her phone back in her pocket and Cady catches her hand. 

“Hey,” Cady says, and takes a breath like she’s nervous about whatever she’s about to say. “Um, so, feel free to say no, but I was thinking maybe when it’s just us, we could do no phones?”

The fact that Cady actually wants to spend time with her enough to be fully present and to want Janis to be fully present makes her heart do a stupid little jump. “Love that idea,” Janis says dryly. Her faux-chill probably crosses the line into peudo-sarcasm, but Cady is still holding her hand. “I’ll just let him know and go do-not-disturb.”

> Janis: new rule  
> Janis: no phones when cady and I are alone  
> Janis: *screamface emoji*  
> Janis: ttyl

When they get to Janis’s, she asks, “Do you want a snack?”

Cady shakes her head.

“A drink?”

She shakes her head again, and Janis thinks.

“Do you… wanna get homework out of the way first?”

Cady doesn’t dignify that one with a response, though the corner of her mouth ticks up the tiniest bit like she’s at least mildly amused.

“Okay, fine. Downstairs.” She follows Cady to the basement and points out the shelf, watching from the bottom of the stairs as Cady steps up to it and scans over the rows of books. After a second, she glances over her shoulder, reaching behind her—not reaching for Janis, but reaching for where Janis should be. It’s not subtle, but Cady doesn’t really do subtlety.

Janis walks over to stand behind her, wrapping her arms around Cady’s waist and setting her chin on her shoulder. “Where do you wanna start?”

“Well, one. Two.” She pauses. “Three… When was the babysitter?”

“Six, maybe.”

“Okay, six, too.”

“God, you’re demanding,” Janis says. “I don’t know if we have albums up to six, but one and two I can do for sure.”

Cady gives a little mini shrug to not bump her. “It’s a start,” she says, moving away to sit on the couch while Janis pulls out two albums. “Do you have six in digital?”

“You should learn to quit while you’re ahead,” Janis says, handing Cady one of the photo albums.

“Why?” Cady says back, looking up at her. It’s a little smug, but she’s right—why should she stop asking for what she wants when she knows the answer will always be yes?

Janis sits down beside her, setting the second album on the cushion to her other side, and Cady moves closer so she can open the album over both their laps. She takes a breath before turning to the first page of photos, like this is a big deal somehow. Janis glances at her face, then looks at the page. She doesn’t really need to see her own baby pictures, so she’s only half-paying attention, and she’s a little nervous so she finds the corner of Cady’s flannel to play with. Her life got so much better when Cady went back to wearing flannels—for a variety of reasons, obviously.

 _I should have put music on,_ she thinks. _I should have gotten a snack._

“Can I ask you something?” Cady says.

“Hm? Yep.”

Running a finger down the edges of the pages, she flicks over the flimsy plastic, just another of Cady’s many nervous habits. “Would you… let me take a picture with my phone… to show my mom?”

Janis frowns at the photos the book is open to, like there’s any chance she’ll be able to see what Cady especially likes about these ones. She thinks about the ask. “I would consider it,” she says eventually. “For the right price.”

Cady sits up a little straighter, and after a second she says, “A trade?”

“I’m listening.”

“Like for like? Baby picture for baby picture?”

Her stomach drops at the idea of Cady baby pictures, and she has to pretend to think about it. "Ratio?"

"One-to-one," Cady says. "Naturally."

Janis takes a slow breath, turning it over in her mind. "I'll need an imposed maximum. Say... five. That's five _individual_ photos."

Cady taps her finger on the page, like she actually has to deliberate. "Fine. Five."

"Do I need to impose a time limit?"

"Not if you want to come take them yourself."

"Is that an invitation?" And there's the line. She's officially flirting. Fuck.

Tension races through her body, her head dropping, jaw tightening, hands curling into fists. What she wouldn’t give for her worst nightmare to be anything other than accidentally flirting with a cute girl.

There’s a pause, and her brain really wants to twist it into a long, awkward pause, but in reality Cady is probably just seeing the reaction without being able to understand it.

"You _know_ you have a standing invitation," Cady says quietly.

"Yeah, I know."

Cady lifts her hand, and it hovers in the air for the briefest instant before reaching across to turn the page. She shifts her weight at the same time, just the slightest bit, so her hip leans into Janis's hip. She turns the page again and says, "I'm glad you know you were cute. So I don't have to tell you."

"Past tense."

"Don't you dare," Cady says, laughing, and Janis grins. She keeps flipping through, and after a minute says very casually, “What if I wanted to do my homework here tomorrow, too?”

“You can come every day if you want.”

Cady goes very still, not looking up.

“Want to?”

She nods.

“Okay. Let me know if your mom needs convincing, I’ll do what I can.”

Shifting her weight again, Cady fully leans on her, and Janis works her arm out from where it’s squished between them, resting it on the back of the couch. She definitely hasn’t overbalanced this time, but it’s that same kind of vibe, like it may or may not be on purpose. Maybe she just needed to get more comfortable and that meant leaning her full weight on Janis like she’s a piece of furniture. And she needed to do this immediately after Janis said what she wanted to hear, because… because Cady is a mystery.

"I don't know how to choose," Cady says. 

"Well, you've got time. You can think about it. I'm not gonna do this with you every day though. I _actually_ need to do homework sometimes." 

Cady smiles a little to herself. 

"What?" 

"No, I agree. If I'm here every day, we'll have to be good. That shouldn't be a problem, right?" 

"I think we'll manage," Janis says, though all she can think about right now is the possibility of touching Cady's hair. 

But that's kind of an all-the-time thing, so it's irrelevant. 

> Janis: hi
> 
> Damian: hey, how was it?
> 
> Janis: amazing
> 
> Damian: ??
> 
> Janis: nothing happened it was just really really good  
> Janis: I thought this would be a lot harder  
> Janis: you know?  
> Janis: like multiple aspects of it  
> Janis: it’s so fucking easy I don’t get it
> 
> Damian: you’re so cute
> 
> Janis: shut up
> 
> Damian: I’m very happy for you

-

> Cady: *smiley emoji*
> 
> Janis: what?
> 
> Cady: did you smile?
> 
> Janis: oh my god  
> Janis: yes I did  
> Janis: is that all?
> 
> Cady: *smiley emoji*
> 
> Janis: wow


	4. Chapter 4

After a couple weeks of this, of Cady coming to Janis's house after school every day and them babysitting or hanging out with Cady's parents every weekend, they're sitting on the couch each doing their own thing when Janis says, "What's going on with you and Aaron?" 

Not looking up from her book, Cady says, "Nothing," like it's the only possible answer. 

Janis stares at her, brain kind of going on the fritz. Like, sure, she knew Cady hadn't mentioned Aaron in weeks and she isn't really allowed to leave the house and she's constantly either with Janis or texting Janis, but somehow she still wasn't expecting _nothing._

"Are you okay?" 

Cady reaches the end of her page and flips it, then looks up. She honestly just looks confused by this line of questioning. "It's not, like, a thing. I don't have any free time and he doesn't go to our school." 

Okay, so doing homework and babysitting isn't exactly free time, but damn. Janis didn't really think she was gonna outlast Aaron. 

“I need to finish this year strong, you know?" Cady says. 

“Right, so… I mean, it’s almost summer.” Cady’s eyebrows go all the way up and Janis says quickly, "Sorry, I’m not—oh God, never mind." 

"Getting sick of me?" 

"I just thought you guys were good after Spring Fling." 

"We're not _not_ good." Cady shrugs. "It is what it is." 

"Okay. Just, if you wanted us to help, we would. All you have to do is ask." 

Looking down at her book, still open in her lap, Cady runs her thumb over the edges of the pages, flicking them forward, then back. "You're being nice again," she says. 

"Sorry." 

Cady looks up. "And you never used to apologize. You have to know I’m not gonna—”

“That’s not it,” Janis says. “I promise.”

Cady looks at her, waiting for an actual answer, and Janis shakes her head, squinting up at the ceiling. 

“I just, like… care about your feelings.”

“Did you not used to care about my feelings?” Cady asks lightly.

“I care… more. It's cumulative.”

Cady nods, closing the book and flicking over the pages again, then again. “Is that why you started calling me Cady?”

“Uh, I guess the joke got old, I dunno. D’you want popcorn, I’m gonna make popcorn.” She’s already up and halfway to the stairs and Cady calls after her.

“It was never funny!”

Janis grins, jogging up the stairs. When she gets back with the popcorn, Cady puts her book down and moves to sit beside her, leaning on her in that way she does. 

"I thought you didn't have any free time," Janis says, a little snarky. 

"I'm allowed to take breaks," Cady shoots back, taking a handful of popcorn. Despite the tone, she leans harder, like her revenge for Janis's sarcasm is increased physical contact. 

Which… is probably closer to the truth than she knows. 

They've fallen into a routine, and it feels so natural that Janis sometimes forgets it hasn't always been like this. Damian has to be with his mom most weekends, and he doesn't make a fuss when they go their separate ways after school, and so Janis never actually has to face the fact that something is going on. 

Until she does. 

> Damian: I haven't seen you in months  
> Damian: are you still alive? 
> 
> Janis: you see me all day every day
> 
> Damian: you know what I mean
> 
> Janis: tell your mom you're going to wither away and die if she doesn't let you stay home this weekend 
> 
> Damian: deal

-

> Cady: so we're doing this house tour  
> Cady: in river forest   
> Cady: it might be boring idk
> 
> Janis: Damian is actually gonna be in town this weekend 
> 
> Janis: I was thinking we might hang out  
> Janis: is that okay? 
> 
> Cady: of course

She sends a YouTube link to Independent Women - Destiny's Child, and Janis snorts. 

> Janis: message received

On Saturday, Damian's mom makes them lunch and then they watch a movie in his bed, and he's nice to her for probably three straight hours before saying, "Hey, so, I've been meaning to ask… what the hell are you doing?" 

"Nothing," Janis says instantly. 

“Let me rephrase. When the fuck are you going to _do something?_ ” 

“Never,” she snaps back. Too late, she recovers with, "I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about." 

"Don't do that," he says, but she literally doesn't have another option. "You can talk to me, right? We can talk about anything." 

The truth is, they've never talked about this. Even the night of Cady's party, when Janis cried so hard she threw up, they didn't talk about it. That used to be because they didn't need to, because they just understood each other, and that much hasn't changed. Damian definitely understands her—he knows exactly what she's doing and why. For whatever reason, he doesn't agree, and he wants to talk her over to his side. 

Yeah, they definitely understand each other. It's just that this is the one thing Janis can't talk about. 

"So anyway," she says, "about that French homework." 

"You know I love you, right?" 

"We have to pick a baseball team, which is annoying." 

"I only want what's best for you." 

"I guess I'll just google 'baseball teams that don't suck.'" 

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do here." 

"Let it go," Janis says. "I'm doing what I need to do." 

He looks confused. "Which is what?" 

_Nothing._

She shakes her head. "I'm happy. You can see that, right? I'm really fucking happy and I just need you to support me." 

"Blindly," he says. "Without question." 

She shrugs, like, _Yeah,_ and he nods. 

"Okay. Done. Because I love you, and I can't lose you. I need you in my life." 

Janis blinks a few times, feeling like she was just splashed in the face with cold water. She has no idea how it got this far, how they ended up on this alien planet with an ocean between them. Neither of them can shoulder all the blame, but her stomach twists with the guilt of it. She never would have seen this coming, never could have predicted that anything would come between them, especially not Janis's own choices. Would she have done anything differently if she'd known? 

Maybe not. She can't change it now, anyway, but she can try to make up for it, at least a little. Even if it's not as simple as just deciding to be okay again, they have to try. 

"We need to be better about making time for each other," she says. "We can't keep pretending it's gonna work itself out." 

Damian reaches for her and Janis lets him hug her, leaning her weight on him. "I don't want to get in the way."

"No," Janis says. "This isn't an either/or. Just let me… reprioritize." 

He nods, gently stroking her hair, and this hurts. Needing to put effort into their friendship hurts. It isn't supposed to be this way, but clinging to the way it's supposed to be is just going to fuck them over. Flexibility isn't Janis's strongest suit, but here goes.

> Cady: hey (when you're home) 
> 
> Janis: hi  
> Janis: how was your day? 
> 
> Cady: fine  
> Cady: I missed you

Janis stares at her phone for a second, then copy-pastes the youtube link and sends it back. 

> Cady: jerk
> 
> Janis: but same  
> Janis: I need to spend more time with Damian though, it's getting kind of weird 
> 
> Cady: right  
> Cady: I get it  
> Cady: I never meant to come between you guys
> 
> Janis: no, it's not that  
> Janis: he's always been busy but I usually just… waited  
> Janis: bc I literally had nothing better to do  
> Janis: it's just change
> 
> Cady: better  
> Cady: ? 
> 
> Janis: *fishing pole emoji*? 
> 
> Cady: maybe 
> 
> Janis: I guess you're better than nothing 
> 
> Cady: yeah I set myself up for that one 
> 
> Janis: if I thought you needed me to answer that I would  
> Janis: I'm 10000% certain you know the answer
> 
> Cady: sometimes a girl just wants a compliment, damn
> 
> Janis: but I'm not supposed to be nice to you  
> Janis: right? 
> 
> Cady: bye  
> Cady: I don't think those are quite the words I used but point taken  
> Cady: maybe I wanna change my mind
> 
> Janis: about… compliments?
> 
> Cady: or just general niceness  
> Cady: maybe I’m getting used to it
> 
> Janis: that’s the sound of my reputation crashing and burning
> 
> Cady: your reputation with whom?? me??
> 
> Janis: lol  
> Janis: you’re so funny
> 
> Cady: is that sarcasm
> 
> Janis: no  
> Janis: you make me laugh
> 
> Cady: in a good way
> 
> Janis: yes  
> Janis: see this is what happens when I compliment you
> 
> Cady: oof  
> Cady: I am… the worst
> 
> Janis: good thing I like you so much
> 
> Cady: yeah

On Monday, after the first weekend in forever Janis hasn’t spent with Cady, she gets a text saying Cady’s running late and they shouldn’t wait for her. The anxiety is unreal, but Cady makes it while the attendance sheet is going around, and when she passes it forward to Janis, there's a note.

> Janis =) 

She unfolds it under her desk.

> Good morning =)  
> \- Cady

Fucking hell. Janis flushes so fast and hot her eyes water, and almost as quickly her phone is buzzing with a text from Damian.

> Damian: what the fuck?

When she shows him the note later, he looks away and she knows it’s because he actually wants to give her a very pointed look but he’s restraining himself.

“I appreciate the effort,” Janis says.

“It’s cute,” Damian replies, not looking at her. “Gotta admit it’s very cute.”

“It’s Cady,” Janis says, and they leave it at that.

They’ve made it all the way to a month since Spring Fling. Aaron is a distant memory and Cady’s parents have gradually loosened their grip. It’s as good a time as any to try to rebalance, to prove that everything is normal and okay and fine and nothing has changed.

Everything has changed, but Janis is barely coping with the fiction she’s telling herself. The truth is not currently an option.

She promises Damian one afternoon a week and at least half a weekend day, and she pretends it’s easy because it has to be easy. To that end, she leaves her phone in her pocket when they’re alone—it’s only fair. Cady waits to text until she’s scheduled to be home, anyway, but that first night they end up texting past both their bedtimes, until Cady stops responding and Janis decides she’s fallen asleep.

This happens two weeks in a row, and on the third Thursday when she gets home, Cady sends, _Can I call you?_

Her first thought is _Something has gone horribly wrong,_ and she hits call.

“Hi.”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing,” Cady says. Her voice is so soft and Janis tries to remember if they’ve ever actually spoken on the phone. “I figured if we’re gonna be talking anyway, we might as well talk.”

“Oh.”

“Then at least if I fall asleep you’ll know.”

“Very logical,” Janis says dryly, and Cady breathes this little laugh. “Your voice is kind of soothing though, I might be the one to fall asleep.”

“Soothing?”

“Has no one ever told you that?”

“Who would have told me that?”

Janis thinks, _Aaron?_ , but says, “Good point.” She flips off the overhead light and lies down on her bed, then says, “You should record audiobooks… or guided meditations.”

“I’ll add it to the list,” Cady says. Her tone is wry, and Janis feels her face heat up.

Pressing her free hand to her cheek, she mutters, “Not my fault you’re good at so many things.”

“My one-woman hype squad.”

“I mean, yeah. Can’t argue with that.”

“Why would you want to?” Cady asks, quietly rhetorical, and Janis makes a face up at her ceiling in the dark. “Oh, I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“Kevin is having a party. Not like a party-party, ‘cause he’s hosting and doesn’t want to trash his own house, but like a get-together. With alcohol. Do you wanna go?” Cady barely gives her a chance to not answer before self-correcting, “I mean, um, I’d like to go, if you and Damian come too.”

“You already asked your mom?”

“I called it a games night and said there wouldn’t be drinking, but yeah.”

“Would she let you go alone?”

“I didn’t ask,” Cady says. There’s a slight edge to it that softens when she adds, “I don’t think it occurred to either of us that I would go without you.”

Well, fuck.

“You can say no.”

“I’m not gonna say no, I was just curious. When is it?”

“Next Friday.”

“All right,” Janis says. “Sounds like a plan.”

They go quiet and Janis starts to think about finding some headphones. She switches her phone from one hand to the other.

"I wish you were here," Cady says. It kind of sounds like she's already half-asleep.

"Where?" Janis asks, amused.

"Just here," Cady says, and Janis realizes too late what that means. "How have we never had a sleepover?"

"Good question," Janis says, though she's pretty sure she knows why. "You can stay here after the party if you want."

"Okay," Cady says instantly.

"Ask your mom."

"Yeah." There's a couple beats of silence, then, "I'm not sleepy anymore."

Janis fakes a gasp. "Your plan is backfiring."

"Oh, shoot. It was flawed from the outset. I've never been good at plans."

"Want to hang up?"

"...No?"

"Yeah, all right." 

The thing about Cady is, she's addictive. And the thing about Cady is, she starts calling on nights when Janis didn't hang out with Damian, when they've already spent a couple hours together outside of school but Cady calls when she's going to bed anyway, just to lie there and talk about nothing in that soft voice. 

It never occurred to Janis that being with Cady, like in the same room _with,_ would be the least dangerous option for her. She can't _think_ too much when Cady's right there. Being away from her feels wrong and bad, but being here in the dark with just Cady's voice and the distilled essence of her personality is so much to deal with. 

It never occurred to Janis that letting Cady call her might be the deadliest mistake she's made thus far. 


	5. Chapter 5

The night of the party, Damian's mom drives all three of them to Kevin's. They pull up outside a nice, nondescript, suburban house and all Janis can think is how much she doesn't want to be here. A year ago, or even three months ago, she never in her wildest dreams could have imagined going to a Mathletes party. But she never could have imagined agreeing to babysit, or willingly talking on the phone every day, or saying, _You want your mom to like me, right?_ as a matter of course.

Then there’s the fact that despite or because of all that, she’s never been happier in her life.

Cady gives her a worried look as they walk up to the house, and Janis smiles, reaching for her hand as Damian steps forward to knock.

“You good?”

“Are _you_ good?” Cady shoots back, like Janis is the one visibly stressing out.

“Don’t worry,” Janis says, and Cady side-steps closer. When the door opens, Janis drops her hand and nudges the small of her back so Cady will walk ahead of her into the house, then hangs back a second longer.

In the living room, there’s long-limbed Mathletes sprawled everywhere and one of them gives up his seat on the couch for Cady. She reaches for Janis, pulling her to sit beside her. Janis probably would have chosen a spot with more elbow room if left to her own devices, but not because she actually wants space. So she shrugs, picking up a corner of Cady's flannel to fiddle with as Kevin does a round of introductions. There's a whole assortment of Mathletes and/or other math nerds of some description, and then a group from the kind of conventions with costumes and elf ears.

It's all dudes except a grand total of two (2) girls in the convention group. Janis eyes them, but Cady's doing this anxious bouncing thing that's shaking both of them so Janis slips one hand under the flannel to press down on her leg. Cady leans into it, and Janis’s fingers find the edge of her pocket, curling around it. Her knuckles dig into Cady’s hip and Cady shifts closer again, pushing back.

Janis looks at her. “Do you want a drink?”

Cady’s arm comes down on her hand, pinning it in place, and Janis has to pause for a second.

“Damian can get them,” she says, and Cady eases up slightly.

“Okay.”

Janis looks across the room, her Spidey Sense telling her where Damian is, and his telling him to look up. She holds up two fingers on her free hand and he gives a thumbs up.

“Will we ever be like that?” Cady asks.

“What?”

“Psychic?”

“I dunno,” Janis says. “I kind of like having to talk to you.”

Cady turns to look at her for the first time since they sat down, and Damian shows up just in time with their drinks.

“Our saviour,” Janis says.

“God forbid either of you should have to pour your own drink.”

“Exactly,” Janis says. “Thank you for understanding.”

“I texted you,” Damian says before walking away, and now Janis is stuck holding her drink with zero free hands.

“Can I have my hand if I promise not to go anywhere?”

Cady moves her arm, lets Janis take her hand back and get her phone out of her pocket, then immediately wraps her hand around the corner of Janis’s jacket, which… seems fair.

She opens Damian’s text to see a gif of a person cracking a whip.

Fuck.

> Janis: damn, bitch  
> Janis: I’m just a nice person
> 
> Damian: *crying laughing emoji*

Janis can’t help laughing a little. He definitely isn’t wrong.

> Janis: *shrug emoji*  
> Janis: girls?

Her gaydar fucking sucks, so Damian functions as her external gaydar, like the speed gun cops use.

> Damian: the blonde is in love w bazinga dude (ew)  
> Damian: brunette is *eyes emoji* you

Janis scoffs, looking up to roll her eyes at him, but then she glances at the brunette just as the other girl is looking away and reconsiders. She checks her out while the girl isn’t looking, but the truth is she couldn’t care less whether the girl is hot or cute or anything at all. She's small, and probably cute, but Janis doesn't bother forming an actual opinion. 

“Sorry,” Janis says, putting her phone back in her pocket.

“It’s okay,” Cady says. “I might play.” There’s a board slash drinking game starting up in the middle of the floor, and Damian is already in.

“Oh yeah?” Janis says, kind of amused that Cady’s going to abandon her after all that. “Go for it.”

Twisting the hand holding Janis’s jacket, Cady tugs on it and says, “You don’t want to?”

“I’m good here. Have fun, though.”

Cady tugs again, hard, like she’s forgotten that Janis’s jacket is actually attached to Janis.

Switching her drink to her other hand, Janis gently detaches her and says, “Damian will look after you.”

“I can look after myself.”

“Oh, then you’re all set.”

Cady gives her a dirty look and Janis smiles. She wants to say _You don’t have to go_ but it feels almost insulting. Cady knows she doesn’t have to go. It was her idea.

She slides forward, halfway to getting up, and Janis puts a hand on her back, waits a second, then gives a tiny shove. Cady flashes a smile over her shoulder and goes to sit beside Damian, her back to Janis. Leaning more of her weight on the arm of the couch, Janis watches her and sips her drink, thinking about trying to paint her again now that everything’s different. The problem with art is it reveals way too much truth. If she wanted to be that honest she’d just use words.

Once the game is in full swing and Janis is halfway through her drink, the brunette, who is apparently also sitting out the game, moves from her spot on the floor to the other end of Janis's couch. Janis looks over, like maybe they'll be polite and say hello, but the girl is intent on the game. Then Janis focuses on the game and the girl glances over at her.

She does it twice more before finally saying, "I like your jacket."

Janis is honestly pretty bored so she doesn't bother with aloof, just turns to face the girl and folds one leg up under her on the couch. "Thanks!"

"Did you do it all yourself?"

"Yeah," Janis says, holding out her arms to show off a little more of it. "Painting's my thing, like math is their thing and, um... what's your thing?"

The girl looks down, tucking her hair behind her ear. She's soft-spoken and seems shy, but after a second she says, "I guess fantasy? Like Lord of the Rings is a big one." With her pixieish delicate features, Janis can definitely picture her playing a fairy or elf or whatever.

"Harry Potter?" Janis says, and the girl scrunches up her nose.

"Not really my thing."

"Yeah, me neither, but Cady is really into it." They both look over at Cady, then Janis finally remembers to introduce herself, holding out her hand to shake.

"Evie," the girl says, not really shaking her hand so much as giving it a gentle squeeze.

They watch the game for a minute, but Cady hasn’t looked back since she sat down and Janis is starting to feel kind of antsy. Well, she started to feel antsy before they even got there, so antsy is becoming itchy which is starting to feel like her skin is crawling off. She looks into her cup, swirling her drink and taking a gulp, then gets up from the couch. "I'm getting a refill, want one?"

"Water?" Evie says, and Janis gives a mock salute with her free hand.

When she comes back, cup in one hand, bottle in her jacket pocket, she motions for Evie to follow her to the hallway. One step removed from the chaos of the game, Janis says, "I’m dying of boredom, can we go somewhere?”

Evie glances back into the room. "Your girlfriend won’t mind?”

“My…” Janis stares into space, trying to remember how talking works. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Evie looks at her for a second, and it occurs to Janis that sometimes someone asks if you have a girlfriend to check if you’re gay and it doesn’t actually mean they think you have a girlfriend or they think your friend is your girlfriend or you’re completely fucking up your entire life by acting like your friend is your girlfriend but it’s too late to recover now.

Evie’s kind of hard to read, but she waves a hand like, _Lead the way,_ and Janis heads straight for the front door. She flips off the outside light, steps outside and sits down on the top step, stretching her legs out in front of her. It never gets fully dark in the suburbs, but it’s startlingly quiet, and Janis already feels better.

A beat later, her heart does a little stutter and she pulls out her phone to text Cady: _needed some air but we’re right outside the front door._ She picks up her cup, then says, “You don’t drink?”

“Sometimes,” Evie says. “But I only know like two people here.”

“Fair. Remind me which two?”

“Drew and Sarah.” Bazinga dude and blonde girl.

“Are they a thing?”

“Ew,” Evie says, and Janis laughs. “Sorry, I grew up with Drew. Um, not that I know of. That would suck, though.”

“Why?”

Evie looks over at her for a second, like she can’t decide whether to answer, then says, “They’re my only friends?”

"Oh, shit. I feel you on that, though. I mean, the two friends thing."

Evie nods, looking out over the street. "Cady's not your typical mathlete."

That's so loaded Janis can't begin to respond to it, so she takes a gulp of her drink.

"Have you seen her compete?"

"No. She's kind of new to it, actually, she's only done one... uh, mathlete thing." Now that she thinks about it, she really, really wants to see Cady do a mathlete thing, or whatever. "You want some?" She offers her cup, and Evie accepts.

Janis is feeling the tiniest buzz—she made her own drink stronger than Damian did the first one, but she doesn't actually want to get tipsy, so she needs to slow down. When Evie offers the cup back, Janis waves it off, so Evie offers her water bottle. A fair trade.

They stay out on the step a while, sometimes talking and sometimes just being quiet. It's actually not awkward, which is weird. They have a lot to talk about, because they have almost nothing in common, and somehow it just works. Janis is introduced to the wild world of conventions, where there are more guys than girls but almost none of the girls are straight.

Between the two of them, they finish off Janis's drink in about an hour. Janis checks her phone, hoping for a text from Cady, but there’s nothing. They're about to get up and head back inside in hopes of a different game and some snacks when the door opens behind them.

"Hey!" Cady says. Before Janis can get up or move over Cady is stepping between them and sitting down, like there was a perfectly reasonable amount of space there and they don't both almost tumble off the ends. "I was looking for you." She's talking too loud for the stillness of the street, and after the quiet of the last hour Janis winces. Also she reeks of alcohol. 

"Are you drunk?"

Evie gets up, says softly, "I'm going in," and Janis waves.

"Oh wow, it's quiet," Cady says.

"We've been here like an hour and a half, Cady."

"What time is it?"

"...Nine thirty. Did you hear what I said?"

"That's five thousand four hundred seconds."

"What?"

"An hour and a half."

Janis lets it go. "Why were you looking for me?"

"I missed you," Cady says, like _duh._ "You disappeared, I didn't know where you were."

"I texted you," Janis says, her stomach sinking.

Cady gives her this wide-eyed look, checks all of her pockets and then says, "I don't know where my phone is."

"I texted you when we came out here, I thought you'd come find me if you needed me."

"Fucking hell," Cady says, and it's so out-of-character Janis almost laughs. "I'm an idiot."

"You were okay though, right? You had Damian?"

“I was fine,” Cady says, leaning on her. “I just missed you.”

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Cady shakes her head, picking up Janis’s arm and pulling it to wrap around her shoulders. She wraps both arms around Janis’s waist, head ducked under her chin.

“Do you wanna go?” Janis asks. “We need to find your phone.”

“Wait,” Cady says, so Janis waits, absently rubbing her shoulder. “Did you see any stars?”

“One or two. You wanna look?"

She shakes her head again, and Janis brings her other hand up to brush Cady’s hair away from where it’s tickling her chin. She's been sitting on bare concrete for an hour, and she puts it off as long as possible but finally needs to shift her weight, and then feels this shooting, electric jolt.

“Ah, fuck.” Reflexively, she pushes Cady away and stands, taking a few steps forward and then turning back to see Cady staring at her, eyes wide. “Shit, sorry, my butt is killing me. I think I sat on a nerve. You okay?”

Cady nods, but says, “I don’t feel good.”

“We can go as soon as I find your phone. Think it’s in the living room?”

“Maybe in the couch?”

Janis holds her hands out and Cady takes them, pulling herself to her feet and stepping forward to hug her. As she pulls back, Janis catches her wrist, bringing her other hand up to Cady’s cheek, feeling the flush of heat with the backs of her fingers, the feverish warmth. Cady’s eyelids flutter shut and Janis lets her go, stumbling back a step.

She very badly misjudged that, holy fuck.

“Um, you’re really warm,” Janis says. “Go to the kitchen, get a bottle of water, I’ll find your phone.”

Cady blinks at her for a second, then peels off her flannel while Janis stands there thinking, _This is not my night. I should have stayed home._ Cady hands her flannel to Janis, who says, "Thanks," before turning and going inside.

Janis asks Damian to call his mom, locates Cady’s phone between the cushions of the couch, then finds Cady sitting at the bottom of the stairs in the darkened foyer. She sits down on the same step, putting an arm around her, and Cady says, “Déjà vu.”

“Yeah. Except everything’s gotten a lot better.”

“Has it?” Cady says, and Janis feels an actual, physical fear reaction.

“Cady, I’m begging you. Don’t pick a fight with me right now.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Cady says, but she puts her head down, wrapping both arms around Janis’s waist.

Damian has been in the living room, saying proper goodbyes because he’s the only one with manners, and now he steps into the foyer—makes eye contact—and stops short in the doorway. He turns back to close the door behind him and Janis looks away, bringing her other hand up to Cady’s hair.

“Let’s go,” he says a minute later, and as soon as they get in the car he texts her.

> Damian: sorry, I fucked up  
> Damian: I was keeping an eye on her but she’s smarter than me  
> Damian: obviously
> 
> Janis: not your fault, she’s my responsibility
> 
> Damian: no she isn’t???
> 
> Janis: you know what I mean
> 
> Damian: I’m not sure I do
> 
> Janis: it’s all good
> 
> Damian: *ok hand emoji*

Cady manages to keep her mouth shut in the car and make it into the house without tipping off Damian’s mom. She even makes it all the way up the stairs before colliding with the doorway going into Janis’s room. She wasn’t moving very fast, but she says, “Oh, God,” and Janis jumps into action.

“Oh, honey, you okay?” She sits Cady down on the edge of the bed and crouches down in front of her, sliding her flannel off one arm to look it over. Running her fingers lightly over Cady’s skin, she checks for a mark, or broken skin. “You don’t need a band-aid, but it might bruise. Do you want ice?”

She looks up and finds Cady just staring at her, on some other planet.

“Hon?”

“What?”

“Do you want ice?”

Looking down, Cady shakes her head. “I just wanna sleep.”

“Can you go change or do you think you’ll fall over again?”

“I didn’t fall over,” Cady says stubbornly, setting her jaw. “I was just walking and that wall jumped out in front of me.”

“I know, sweetheart.” Janis reaches up to touch Cady’s cheek, to check the heat of it again, but Cady’s eyes fly up to meet hers, really wide all of a sudden, and Janis snatches her hand back like she burned it. “Oh shit, sorry.”

“No, I—” Cady starts to say, but Janis stands up, putting her hands on her hips.

“Do you wanna go change?”

“I’m… yeah.”

“Brush your teeth and take your makeup off,” Janis says, and Cady rolls her eyes like she didn’t actually intend for Janis to see it, so she pretends she didn’t. She’s developing a stomach ache from the stress and she really just wants to get Cady in bed so she can stop worrying so much.

Of course, she looks adorable when she comes back, in pyjamas with her mascara smudged under her eyes and her flushed skin more obvious without foundation. She looks really miserable, too, but Janis can’t do anything about that.

“Did you throw up?” Janis asks, and Cady shakes her head, going to the bed where Janis has folded back the covers and climbing in. “You aren’t gonna throw up in my bed.”

She pouts a little, shaking her head again. Janis is on the other side of the room, not even subtly keeping as much space between them as possible, but Cady turns that pout on her and holds out a hand.

Somewhere in the multiverse there is a version of Janis who can say no to Cady. She moves forward, crouching down beside the bed again and giving Cady her hand. Bringing it up to her face, Cady presses the back of Janis’s hand to her cheek, eyes closed. She’s still feverish warm and Janis says, “Do you want me to put the fan on?”

Cady shows no sign of having heard her.

“Babe?”

“Hm?” Cady opens her eyes, but they’re kind of soft, not quite focused.

“Go to sleep, okay?”

She nods, closing her eyes, but she doesn’t let go so apparently this is how Janis dies. If the angle were less awkward she would probably just let it happen, but she physically can’t stay where she is. Wincing, Janis uses her other hand to pry Cady’s fingers off and retrieve her hand. Cady pulls her own hand back to curl under her chin and Janis stares at her for an undefined period of time, thinking about doing something really, really stupid. Then she gets up and walks away.


	6. Chapter 6

When she wakes up, it’s early—like so early the light still has a blue tint—and Cady has moved Janis's desk chair over to the window. There’s a book in her lap, but her eyes are closed and she’s sitting very, very still.

“Hey,” Janis says, sitting up. She clears her throat, doing that thing where you pretend to be wide awake even though your brain hasn't quite caught up to that fact. “You could’ve woken me up.”

“What for?”

Janis doesn’t have an answer for that. “Did you throw up?”

She shakes her head.

“It might help.”

Cady looks so sad at that idea Janis almost laughs. She watches her for a second instead, trying to decide which of her instincts here are reasonable and which are just her dumbass brain working against her. 

“You wanna come here?” she asks eventually. 

Cady squints one eye open and Janis holds her hands out like an offering. Then Cady narrows her eyes at the carpet, eyeing it like any inch could contain a hidden pitfall, or maybe an alligator. She gingerly unfolds herself from the chair and picks her way across the (completely bare, perfectly flat) carpet. When she makes it to the bed, she sits down on the edge and closes her eyes again, letting out a breath.

“Oh, honey,” Janis says. She reaches out, touching a hand to Cady’s back, then shifts forward to wrap her arms loosely around her waist. “You okay?”

“Not really,” Cady says, but she leans back a little, letting Janis feel the weight of her. “God, I’m so fucking stupid.”

“What? Why would you say that?”

“You have no idea how stupid I can be,” Cady says darkly, and it’s the scariest, most nightmarish thing she could possibly have said.

Janis doesn’t know how to reply, so she puts her chin down on Cady’s shoulder and they stay like that for a minute.

“Sorry, I know I ruined your night.”

“No, you didn’t,” Janis says, and despite how she felt last night, she really means it. Maybe it was a little more stressful than it needed to be, but only because she cares so much about Cady’s wellbeing, and she can’t see that as a bad thing.

“You were literally sitting in the dark talking to a girl, but okay.”

Wait, _what?_ It never occurred to Janis that Cady would actually think something was going on. In what universe was that ever a remote possibility? Even if Janis weren't a lost cause, she wouldn't abandon Cady at a party to talk to some girl. 

Though that's kind of exactly what she did. 

She sits back, trying not to be dramatic about it, bringing her hands up to comb her hair back into a ponytail, then let it go again. "That wasn't—uh, I wasn't, like, 'talking to a girl.' I just needed air. She was keeping me company." 

"You were out there for like an hour." 

"Um, yeah, I guess." 

Half-turning on the edge of the bed, Cady glances back at her. "She was cute, though." 

"Okay. I don't really remember." 

Cady squints, furrowing her brow, like Janis couldn't have said anything more ridiculous, but it feels true. They were sitting side-by-side in the dark, Janis didn't look at her face that much and she didn't care to. It wasn't like that. Not even a little bit. 

Janis moves toward the other side of the bed to get off and Cady says quickly, "Anyway I was thinking if you didn't get her number I could ask Kevin." 

Going to her dresser, Janis pulls out clothes for the day, trying to ignore how bad this feels, and says, "Uh, she was kind of chill, I guess we could be friends." 

"Or maybe—" Cady starts to say, and Janis heads for the door. 

"I'm gonna shower, I'll be like ten minutes." 

In the bathroom, she texts Damian.

> Janis: fml
> 
> Damian: what now?
> 
> Janis: Cady is trying to set me up with the girl from last night
> 
> Damian: holy shit  
> Damian: you are running out of hail marys
> 
> Janis: don’t say that  
> Janis: I’m resourceful
> 
> Damian: you’re gonna end up dating this girl just so you don’t have to talk to Cady
> 
> Janis: lol  
> Janis: thanks for the vote of confidence

She showers fast, both to make her absence less suspiciously long and because she barely got any sleep and standing for too long makes her woozy. When she gets back to her room, Cady is back in the chair by the window, actually reading this time.

Janis sits down on the bed for a second—lies down for a second—and wakes up two hours later. She brings both hands up to rub over her face, then looks across to see Cady watching her.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Janis says, sitting up, and Cady looks down at her book.

“I can’t believe you’re still apologizing to me after last night.”

“Dude, it happens. It’s not a big deal. We’ve all done it.”

“I’ve never even seen you tipsy,” Cady says, and Janis thinks, _Oh._

“Yeah, uh, that’s fair. Let’s just say my underage drinking phase came a bit earlier… like when I was thirteen.”

Cady stares at her, and Janis has no idea what she’s thinking. Her lizard brain tells her it’s judgement, but she knows Cady better than that.

“We didn’t have to go to the party,” Cady finally says, and it sounds like she’s thinking about crying. “We didn’t have to do any of it.”

“No, I know," Janis says. "It’s not like, triggering or anything. It’s just not something I do anymore.”

Closing her eyes, Cady takes a slow breath, lets it out slowly, then says, “Maybe it’s something we can not-do together.”

Janis grins, and after a second Cady smiles too, just a little, and looks down.

“I still wish you would’ve told me.”

“I get that. There’s just so much fucked up shit I haven’t told you that it doesn’t really occur to me.” That sounded better in her head. “It’s not on purpose.”

“Okay,” Cady says, though she doesn’t look happy about it.

“Are you hungry?”

That gets an emphatic head shake, so Janis rephrases.

“Will you eat something?”

Cady makes a face. “Dry toast?”

“I think I can manage that.” 

She starts for the door and then Cady says, "Janis," and she turns back.

There's a beat of uninterrupted eye contact that catches Janis off-guard, then Cady looks down.

"Can I borrow something to wear?"

"Yeah. You don't like what you brought?"

She shakes her head.

"Okay. There's sweats and stuff in the bottom drawer, or you can help yourself to whatever. I think you'll find everything but yell if you need me, okay? I'm gonna make toast." 

And she's out, closing the door and jogging down the stairs. This is the most stressed out she's been by Cady's presence in a very long time and it's not a good feeling. Being with her has become the easiest thing in the world, but they kind of did that on purpose. Like, they wanted to get along, so they have. Something just feels off. 

But Cady is hungover. She's having a rough day. Everything will go back to normal. Obviously. 

She shakes her head, reaching up into the cupboard for the coffee—but the smell of coffee always made her feel worse back in the day when she had hangovers, so she changes her mind and makes tea, and toast for herself as well.

She’s waiting on the second round of toast when Cady appears silently in the doorway, dressed in sweatpants and a long-sleeved t-shirt that covers her hands. Janis reaches for her almost automatically and Cady pads over in her socks for a hug.

“You’re so short,” Janis says.

“Thanks.”

“Always.” It stops being a joke literally the instant it leaves her mouth, and she sets Cady back a bit, turning to the toaster. “Still up for dry toast?”

Cady doesn’t answer, making her way over to the table and sitting down with her head in her hands.

“Tea?”

“No.”

She grabs a bottle of water instead, bringing it and a plate with dry toast cut diagonally to set on the table in front of Cady. She goes back for her own toast—piled high with peanut butter because she is about to starve to death—and mug of tea. Cady still hasn’t moved by the time she sits, staring down her toast like they’re about to duel.

“One bite?” Janis says, and Cady nods.

“I’m working up to it.”

Janis pats her arm, a vaguely patronizing show of support, then just leaves her hand there. Cady pulls her arm away and for one quick second Janis thinks the world is actually ending—but Cady just tugs up her too-long sleeves, freeing her hands. She slips one hand into Janis’s where it’s hovering uncertainly above the table, picking up a piece of toast with the other. She brings it up to her face like she’s going to take a bite but doesn’t actually open her mouth, and Janis rolls her eyes like, good effort. Well, _an_ effort. Well, half an effort.

“You can do it,” Janis says jokingly, giving Cady’s hand a squeeze and then letting it go to pick up her own toast with both hands (because it really is a ridiculous amount of peanut butter). “I believe in you.”

Cady finally takes the tiniest bite of the corner, and Janis finally remembers that she’s not Cady’s mom and it’s not her job to make sure Cady eats. She focuses on her own breakfast, even when Cady stops halfway through her first half-slice, and then gets up and casually walks to the bathroom. Janis forces herself to keep eating and then bring both plates to the sink before going to knock on the door.

“I just need to know you’re alive,” she calls through the wood. When she hears the water running, she takes a step back, then moves out of the narrow hallway entirely to give Cady some space. She turns back when the latch clicks, and Cady walks straight into her arms for a hug. “Hey,” Janis says, and she hears a very sad sniffle. “You alive?”

“Maybe.”

“Fifty-fifty chance?”

“Seventy-thirty,” Cady says, turning and heading for the couch. She curls up in one corner, pulling a pillow onto her lap, and Janis sits down in the other corner. “I do feel a little better, which… sucks.”

“Do you remember why you drank so much?"

Instead of answering, Cady says, "I would've had to sleep to forget anything and I definitely didn't sleep." 

"Sorry, what?" 

"You know how your brain stores memories while you sleep? It forgets while you sleep, too, so if you don't sleep…"

That doesn't sound right. "If you can't remember and you can't forget then what the fuck are you doing?" 

"Nothing much," Cady says, and Janis snorts. "Real answer, you get so loopy from sleep deprivation that you start making up science-y facts for no reason." 

'For no reason' lined up perfectly with Cady not answering her question, but she doesn't ask again. Instead, she says, "Did you sleep the night of your party?" 

The smile dies on Cady’s face and she looks down, staring at her hands for a second before shaking her head. Janis isn’t used to having to watch what she says around Cady but she still really, _really_ should have known better.

The silence stretches on, with Cady just picking at loose threads on the pillow. Finally, she sighs and says, “Tell me something.”

“Okay.”

“Anything.”

“Oh, um…” Janis thinks about it, then looks at her wrist, shifting her sleeve aside just enough to show the tattoo there. “Have you seen this?”

Cady’s eyebrows go up and she moves across the cushion between them, her hand coming up to trace the little infinity symbol. “How is it possible that I haven’t seen this?”

“I dunno,” Janis says. “I guess I’m just that mysterious.”

Brushing her finger over it again, Cady stares at it like maybe it's the key to everything she doesn't know about Janis. 

"It's kind of cheesy." 

"It's cool," Cady says, and she looks up, looking at Janis from way, way too close. 

“Feel up for walking home?” Janis asks. 

Cady pulls her hand away to tuck her hair behind her ear and says, “Mmhmm. Yep.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. Definitely.”

Cady goes upstairs to grab her bag and they meet at the front door. Janis reaches for the bag and Cady pulls it back.

"You don't have to walk me home," Cady says, and Janis looks at her like she's crazy. "I can walk myself home, there's no reason for you to make an extra trip."

"Obviously you can walk yourself home. I'm still gonna walk you home."

Cady rolls her eyes and Janis laughs.

"Don't be rude." She reaches for the bag again and Cady lets her take it.

"I can carry my own bags," Cady says as they step outside and Janis turns back to lock the door.

"No shit? That's incredible, I'm so impressed."

For all her bravado, on Cady's doorstep she reaches for Janis's hand to keep her from leaving. She just looks at her for a minute, then says, "Wanna come in?"

"I don't think so. You need to rest.”

Cady nods, her other hand coming up almost absently to slip under the cuff of Janis’s sleeve and rub the underside of her wrist, like a worry stone.

“You’ll feel better tomorrow,” Janis says, and it’s more of a reassurance for herself than for Cady.

Cady nods again, one hand going up to tuck her hair behind her ear, and Janis holds out the bag while she’s got a hand free. Then hugs her, because it’s the only way she can think to force Cady to let go without actually… forcing her to let go.

She jogs down the steps before turning back to say, “See you Monday. Feel better, okay?”

Cady gives a little wave and Janis shoos her inside so she can actually leave.

“Text me when you get home,” Cady says, and waves again before going inside.

> Janis: home *peace sign emoji*
> 
> Cady: thank you  
> Cady: and  
> Cady: I’m sorry
> 
> Janis: you’re fine
> 
> Cady: can I make it up to you? 
> 
> Janis: no?? 
> 
> Cady: buy you a milkshake?
> 
> Janis: ….yes
> 
> Cady: you can invite your new friend
> 
> Janis: lol  
> Janis: and Damian
> 
> Cady: I’ll text Kevin brb

Cady texts Kevin, who texts Drew, who texts Evie, who eventually texts Janis.

> Evie: Hey, it’s Evie
> 
> Janis: Hey *sunglasses emoji*
> 
> Evie: Is your friend okay?
> 
> Janis: yeah she’s great  
> Janis: or she will be great  
> Janis: like…. tomorrow, probably
> 
> Evie: ha
> 
> Janis: sorry we didn’t really say goodbye  
> Janis: did you get home okay?
> 
> Evie: yeah we didn't stay that much longer
> 
> Janis: cool  
> Janis: so  
> Janis: kinda random  
> Janis: Cady wants to "apologize" or whatever  
> Janis: so we're gonna get milkshakes  
> Janis: w Damian  
> Janis: if you would be chill with that
> 
> Evie: kind of retro haha but yeah
> 
> Janis: yeah she's like that  
> Janis: cool ok I'll get back to you when we pick a date

She flips back to Cady's texting window.

> Janis: Evie says "retro af but I'm down"
> 
> Cady: ok she's uninvited
> 
> Janis: lol  
> Janis: no but she's in
> 
> Cady: *thumbs up emoji*
> 
> Janis: on topic but off topic can I ask you something
> 
> Cady: ?
> 
> Janis: am I allowed to watch you compete?
> 
> Cady: ???
> 
> Janis: last night Evie asked if I’d ever seen you compete and now I can’t stop thinking about it  
> Janis: it’s a need
> 
> Cady: oof  
> Cady: I’m sure it’s fine  
> Cady: but why
> 
> Janis: so many reasons
> 
> Cady: *eyeroll emoji*


	7. Chapter 7

On Monday, they pretend everything’s fine. After all the progress they’ve made over the last two months, Cady is back to watching Janis like she could spontaneously combust at any moment. Nothing has changed for Janis, but she doesn’t know how to convince Cady of that—especially when they’re decidedly Not Talking About It.

Still, on Friday the three of them walk to this diner near the school where kids from North Shore have always congregated, but where Janis and Damian wouldn’t have been caught dead before Everything Happened. 

They slide into a booth, Cady and Janis on one side and Damian on the other, and the waitress brings them waters and menus while they wait for Evie. Cady is actually being kind of normal, chatty and upbeat, but Janis is watching the door, only half-sure she’ll recognize Evie when she sees her. When Evie actually walks in, Janis grins and waves despite herself. 

Evie smiles, looking down and making her way over to the table.

“Hey, so you’ve all kind of met, Cady, Damian, Evie.”

Evie gives a little wave as she sits down, not really making eye contact with anyone, and Janis suddenly wishes she hadn’t sat so far away.

“Um, are we getting food?” Janis asks, reaching for a menu.

Everyone does the same, and then Cady says, “Whoa.” She flips through the five or six pages, then goes back to the start. “Is this normal?”

“You’ve never been to a diner,” Janis says, because it should have been obvious, but—holy shit. “Damian, we failed her.”

Cady flashes a smile, then goes back to scanning the hundreds of menu items. “What am I even looking for.”

“Wait, you’ve never been to a diner?” Evie says, and they all look at her.

There’s a pause where no one really knows how to answer, and then Janis says, “We should order… before diving into Cady’s life story.”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Damian says.

Janis has been to hundreds of diners (slight exaggeration) so she closes her menu and bumps Cady’s shoulder with her own. “Hungry?"

“Um,” Cady says, and Janis reaches for the menu. Cady releases it, putting her hands in her lap, and Janis flips back to the first page.

“So you’ve got breakfast food, eggs, pancakes.”

Cady shakes her head, and Janis flips to the next page.

“Fried… anything, really. Anything you want fried.”

She shakes her head again. Next.

“Burgers, sandwiches.”

Nope.

“Pasta, rice.”

Cady brings her hand up, stopping it there, and Janis scans the page.

“Tomato pasta, creamy pasta, lasagne… Teriyaki rice, spicy rice, uh, rice with… shrimp.”

Cady taps her finger on the teriyaki rice.

“Chicken or shrimp?”

Chicken.

“Okay. Hey, we did it,” Janis says, and puts her hand up for a high five.

Cady laughs, high-fiving her, and it’s into this improbably perfect moment that someone walks up to the end of the table and says, “Hey.”

It’s Aaron. Fucking Aaron.

"Cady, can we talk for a second?"

Face going completely blank, Janis slides over on the bench, glancing out the window.

“Can you order for me?” Cady asks.

“Yep.”

Cady follows Aaron to the door and outside, and Janis kind of feels like she’s going to die.

“Who’s that?” Evie asks.

“No one,” Damian says. “Some guy she flirted with for five minutes three months ago.”

“Damian,” Janis says sharply.

“What? They never went on a single date and she dropped him the second—” He cuts himself off.

“The second what?”

He shakes his head, but says, “Tell me I’m wrong.”

Janis reaches for her water, taking a drink and glancing at Evie on the other side of the table, looking like she'd rather be literally anywhere else. 

Shit.

The waitress takes their orders and then Janis sits forward, leaning her forearms on the table and asking Evie, "Any big plans for the summer?"

Evie gives her this little smile, like _I see what you're doing,_ but she sits forward a bit too, saying, "Nothing big. A couple events in the city. You?" 

Janis looks at Damian, who rolls his eyes, already knowing what's coming. " _This_ guy is leaving me for the entire summer—"

"As I do every year."

"—so I've gotta come up with fucking _something_ to do."

"Which you could have done at any point in the last literally ten months." He looks at Evie. "I'm going to arts camp. She's an artist. I keep telling her to just fucking come with me."

"Never gonna happen," Janis says, because that would require her mom spending ten minutes or more filling out a form, not to mention paying for the thing. Also, as a secondary concern, she would have to be around people so much. "Anyway, I'm gonna figure out a way to make some money, so I'm sure that will cheer me up."

"Like, with art, maybe," Damian says, and Janis laughs.

"Idiot."

"What about Cady?" Evie asks, and Janis is kind of amazed she was that brave.

"I dunno," Janis says. She fights the urge to glance out the window because she might see something she can't unsee. "I guess we'll find out."

Damian opens his mouth like he's about to lay into her just as the door opens and Cady walks back in. Janis flicks a hand at Damian, shaking her head, and a second later Cady slides into the booth.

"Hey," Cady says, touching a hand to Janis's back. "Did the waitress come?"

"Yeah," Janis says, looking at Damian, who looks at Cady.

"What was that about?" Damian asks.

"Nothing," Cady says. "Some math thing. Uh, I guess his mom joined some homeschool newsletter that gets different notices. So I'd have to figure out if they're even open to public school kids, but... I guess it was nice of him to think of me."

“Oh, I’m sure he was ‘thinking of you,’” Damian says, complete with air quotes. “He didn’t really want to talk about math, right?”

Janis gives him a death glare and he completely ignores her.

“He said he missed me, which is fair enough. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting me to ghost him after all that.”

Damian does meet Janis’s eyes then, and they trade a look, like, _Wait, when did this happen?_

Janis turns back to look at Cady and says, “Has he been texting you?”

Cady shrugs. “He was, for a while. I guess he gave up.”

“Well, apparently he didn’t give up _enough._ ” Janis slides back on the bench so they’re sitting side-by-side again, but keeps her eyes on Damian as she says, “Do you need one of us to talk to him?”

“He’s harmless,” Cady says. “I guess I’ll just—maybe after finals I can…”

“Cady.”

“Can we talk about this later?”

The waitress shows up with their food, anyway, and Evie is sitting there suffering through this whole messy conversation.

“Cool,” Janis says once they’ve all got their food and the waitress is gone. “Bon appétit.”

Cady says something in one of her other three languages and Janis gives her an amused look, then sees Evie doing a double-take.

“Oh right,” Janis says. “Cady’s life story. Do you want me to—?” she asks Cady, who shrugs.

“Go for it.”

“So she’s a genius, obviously,” Janis begins, picking up her cutlery. “Speaks like… five? Languages, but she didn’t learn that shit in the American public school system. She’s only been on this continent, what, ten months?”

“Since September.”

“Before that she lived pretty much her whole life in Africa—in Kenya—in, basically, a tent.”

“Literally a tent.”

“So, not that many diners, I guess.” She looks at Cady to confirm, like maybe, secretly, the savannah is absolutely covered with American-style diners, and Cady smiles, scrunching up her nose.

Janis gets distracted for a second, forgetting to look away, and then Evie says, “That’s cool. I speak Elvish.”

Everyone cracks up at that, and they manage to get through the rest of the meal without any more drama. They order their milkshakes for dessert, and they're just waiting and chatting, kind of chill. Cady folds a leg up under her and when she puts her hand back down it bumps Janis’s. She moves her hand the tiniest bit away, just that automatic _never touch another human being_ reflex, and Cady shifts her hand over so they're touching again. It's barely contact, but then Cady turns her hand, brushing the backs of her fingers against the backs of Janis’s in a way that has to be intentional. There's really no reason for Janis to have a heart attack about this, but it's happening.

It would be rude to ignore her, so Janis does it back, turning her hand at the same time so it’s palm-up. Her thumb rubs the back of Cady’s hand, and then Cady’s fingertips ghost over her palm—and if Janis thought she was dying earlier, now she's sure of it.

The milkshakes arrive and Janis reaches for hers with both hands, moving closer to the table to take a sip. Cady reaches for hers too, pressing her hand to the metal blender cup, holding it there for a second, then touching it to Janis's cheek.

Janis makes a little sound, shrugging her off reflexively. “That’s mature.”

“What can I say, I’m an old soul.” She does it again, and Janis watches the whole thing happen, thinking, _There’s no way she’ll do it again._

“What’s your problem?”

“You looked warm.” She reaches for the blender cup again and Janis picks it up, moving it to the other side of the table.

“Keep it up, we’ll have to outlaw milkshakes.”

“You don’t have that power.”

“You know full well I do.”

“Yeah,” Cady says, sighing. “Maybe you shouldn’t have so much power.”

“But I use it so wisely.”

“True.”

A few minutes later, Evie says she needs to catch her bus. Janis didn't realize she was going to bus across town on her own, and she feels an instinctive jolt of anxiety.

"I'll wait with you," Janis says, touching Cady's arm to ask her to let her out of the booth. When they're out on the street, walking to the bus stop, Janis says, "Do you do that a lot? Take the bus alone?"

Evie gives her a look, like she has no idea why Janis would ask that. "I do a lot of things alone," she says. "I've gotten very good at it."

"I don't like it," Janis says. They reach the bus stop and Janis turns so they're facing each other. "Next time we can come to you, or meet in the middle, or something."

For a second Evie just looks at her, then she waves back at the diner and says, "That was interesting."

"I know, drama," Janis says. "Sorry."

"That's not what I meant," Evie says, but then she shakes her head. "It's none of my business."

Janis doesn't ask, because she can feel in her bones that she doesn't want to know.

Evie glances past her, takes a step closer to the bus stop. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Thanks for coming," Janis says as the bus pulls up. "Text me when you get home."

With a wave Evie is gone, and Janis waits there for the bus to pull away, then walks back to the diner, not in any hurry.

When she slides back into the booth, the vibe is a little weird—Cady is staring into her milkshake and Damian widens his eyes at her, like, _Help._

Janis makes a face back, puts a hand on Cady’s shoulder and says, “Hey, you good?”

“Yeah,” Cady says. She glances at Damian, then adds, “Evie’s cool, I’m glad we did this.”

“Yeah, me too,” Janis says, giving Damian a look.

He shrugs.

They pay and leave, starting the walk home, and halfway to Cady’s house Janis feels her phone buzz.

> Evie: I’m home
> 
> Janis: awesome, thanks  
> Janis: I kind of want you to tell me what you meant earlier  
> Janis: kind of don’t
> 
> Evie: lol  
> Evie: get back to me when you’ve made up your mind

“Okay, bye,” Cady says, and by the time Janis looks up she’s gone.

“Oh, shit. I shouldn’t have been on my phone.” Technically they weren’t alone and Janis was just making sure Evie got home okay, but still.

“I don’t think it’s that,” Damian says, and Janis turns on him.

“What?! What is it then?”

He shrugs.

“You can’t say that and then not tell me.”

“And I can’t tell you. You know I can’t.”

“Fuck.”

They keep walking, and Janis texts Cady: _hey, sorry about the phone thing_

She gets home, and allows 32 minutes total before texting again: _can we talk?_

27 minutes: _don’t make me throw rocks at your window._

She calls, instead.

“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Cady says. “I… my phone died.”

It’s such an obvious lie that Janis just goes silent.

“I’m in a mood, it’s nothing.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Cady doesn’t answer.

“Want me to come over?”

An intake of breath, then nothing.

“Cady,” Janis says, and then, softly, “Say yes.”

“Yeah,” Cady says. “Always.”

That’s a relief. “Be there in ten.” She takes her usual path to Cady’s—as in, not the long way on sidewalks under streetlights. Sometimes it occurs to her that she shouldn’t be jumping fences or really out by herself at night at all, but she’s never been known for her self-preservation instincts.

At Cady’s door, she texts, _Here,_ and a second later the door opens. The outside light is the only one on, and Cady's half-hidden by the door, all shadowy in a way that seems more sinister than usual.

Janis hesitates, but Cady doesn’t move, so Janis goes to her, wrapping her up in a careful hug. Cady lets out this breath that could be a huff or a sigh, and it takes her a second to actually hug back, but she hugs so tight that Janis knows that isn’t the issue.

Cady walks into the living room and sits down on the couch, one leg folded up under her and a pillow on her lap, and all Janis can do is sit down beside her. She doesn’t start talking, so Janis reaches for one of her hands, holding it against her leg.

“You look sad.”

Cady shakes her head. “I don’t want you to… I don’t wanna be this person you always have to take care of.”

“But I like taking care of you. You take care of me too, that’s friendship.”

“I don’t think so,” Cady says, but Janis doesn’t know which part of that she’s disagreeing with. “Evie seems great.”

It feels like a non sequitur and Janis considers for a second whether to press the issue. “Everyone seems great when you first meet them, she could be an axe murderer.”

“You guys are kind of vibing though.”

Oddly, Janis can’t contradict her, because she doesn’t actually remember. She remembers being in the diner, with Evie across the table, but Cady was beside her, Cady was her whole world, as she always is. So what does she say?

Looking down, she turns the hand holding Cady’s, then opens it, and Cady tightens her grip. “Is that why you’re sad?”

Cady shakes her head, so emphatic her hair whips around, but it doesn’t even feel like a lie because no one on earth would believe it.

“It doesn’t change anything.”

“Maybe it should,” Cady says, and Janis swears her heartbeat actually slows.

“What?”

Cady looks for a second like she didn’t really mean to say that, like maybe she’ll take it back—but then she looks down. “Maybe that’s the kind of person you should be friends with.”

“Based on what? You don’t know anything about her.”

“Based on, she’s not me, I guess.”

“Cady.” Janis doesn’t even know where to start with that. “I don’t get it.”

“I just keep making things harder for you.”

A thousand responses flash through her mind, namely _No, no, and no,_ but as simple as that sounds she can’t get the words into an order that makes sense. Cady takes her hand back to twist her fingers together in her lap, and after a second she closes her eyes, like the silence means something.

“So what’s the plan?” Janis asks. “You’re gonna stop being friends with me?”

Cady’s eyes fly up to meet hers and she shakes her head.

“Do you think I agree,” she starts, and it’s a physical struggle to get the next words out. “That I think you… make my life… harder?”

Cady shakes her head again.

“Then what?”

“Nothing,” Cady says. “You asked. I told you, it’s just a mood.”

Oh. Okay. Maybe Janis didn’t need to immediately start panicking. “Did you say something to Damian?”

Cady looks down, shrugging.

“What did he tell you?”

“I don’t get to… decide that for you, I guess. ‘Cause you get to make your own decisions, or whatever, so there’s no point in me worrying about it.”

“You took that advice to heart, huh?”

“Kind of proves my point,” Cady says, closing her eyes again. “I’m not easy.”

“Well, that depends who you ask, though, doesn’t it?” Janis says, and Cady looks at her like she’s fully expecting Janis to say something horrible, like she’s holding her breath. “Calculus is hard for some people, right? It’s easy for you. This is easy for me.”

Cady’s expression doesn’t change, but she goes perfectly still, from holding her breath to forgetting she ever needed to breathe. After a second, she says, “I’m calculus?”

“No,” Janis says. “Algebra, maybe.”

“Algebra,” Cady echoes. She doesn’t react otherwise, doesn’t move or smile, and Janis holds out her hand the way you might check for rain before stepping outside.

When Cady immediately takes it, Janis says, “Do you believe me?”

She nods, and Janis thinks about smiling. Instead, she pulls, very gently, and Cady moves into her arms for a hug.

“I don’t know why I thought I would be over this by now,” Cady says. “I thought I would just… be okay. At some point.”

“You don’t have to be okay,” Janis says, sliding one hand up Cady’s back. There’s another question she has to ask, but she puts it off as long as possible, wanting to preserve the moment. Finally, she says, “Do you wanna talk about what happened with Aaron?”

Cady pulls back, like Janis knew she would, but she keeps hold of Janis’s hand. “Nothing happened,” she says, half-shrugging. “I just got some perspective. I know Regina was… a lot, but she was still just a person. She didn’t literally cast a spell. He made the choices he made, and I just… acted like that was okay. But it isn’t. It never was.” She’s not actually looking at Janis, and now she sighs, shaking her head. “Anyway, I found out what it feels like to actually matter to someone. Perspective, you know?”

That’s… a lot to take in. The concept is good—Cady knows that she matters, but there’s no way she knows how _much_ she matters, and there’s no way for Janis to tell her. Honestly, she would give almost anything to be able to communicate that, to let her know just once that no one has ever been more important. That would be it, though. Too much, too serious, too… whatever. It’s the one thing she can’t risk.

“So, yeah,” Cady says eventually, and Janis realizes she was waiting for a response. Fuck. “Like I said, nothing happened. I ghosted. And I don’t feel bad about it.”

“Good,” Janis says, because of course _that_ she has an answer for. “The offer stands if you need us to talk to him. You don’t have to be nice. Ever.”

Cady smiles, looking at her like Janis didn’t just completely drop the ball. “I’ll think about it,” she says. “I kind of just want to let it go, but… I don’t even know what I’d say to him, so. I’ll think about it.”

Janis nods. “I should go,” she says, and Cady’s whole face changes. She opens her mouth like she’s going to argue and Janis says, “I want you to get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”

Cady blinks once, twice, then nods, and Janis feels her eyebrows go up.

“Are you actually gonna let me take care of you?”

“Maybe,” Cady says, her mouth turning up in an almost-smile, and Janis presses a kiss to her forehead, getting up before she can make any of the mistakes she’s constantly thinking about.


	8. Chapter 8

When she gets home, she texts Evie: _ok, tell me_

> Evie: honestly?
> 
> Janis: yea
> 
> Evie: you and cady have an interesting dynamic  
> Evie: I’m guessing it wasn’t your first choice to be “friends”?
> 
> Janis: no comment
> 
> Evie: it doesn’t seem like it was her choice either  
> Evie: did something happen?
> 
> Janis: a lot happened  
> Janis: but I think you have the wrong idea
> 
> Evie: why  
> Evie: cuz she’s straight?  
> Evie: or cuz she dated a guy and you assumed she’s straight
> 
> Janis: no…….
> 
> Evie: have you asked?
> 
> Janis: it’s not that simple
> 
> Evie: ok  
> Evie: or you could just ask

Janis screenshots the convo and sends it to Damian.

> Damian: oh I like her  
> Damian: send me her number she’s my new best friend
> 
> Janis: fuck off  
> Janis: is that why you said what you said  
> Janis: because Cady……?
> 
> Damian: is in love with you, yes
> 
> Janis: no
> 
> Damian: ok good talk

She switches back to Evie.

> Janis: what would you do
> 
> Evie: tbh I wouldn’t have gotten this far  
> Evie: I can’t lie
> 
> Janis: I’m not lying
> 
> Evie: no I know  
> Evie: I just for sure would have said something by now  
> Evie: but at this point it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it  
> Evie: literally just say something  
> Evie: I’m 99% sure you’ll get a positive response
> 
> Janis: lol  
> Janis: you’d think that would make this easier but nah  
> Janis: tfw you’d rather die than tell a girl you like her
> 
> Evie: don’t die  
> Evie: it will be worth it  
> Evie: just bite the bullet
> 
> Janis: fine

She doesn’t necessarily mean it, but when she tries to go to sleep her anxiety level tells her that her body thinks she does. Somehow she’s never considered how they might look from the outside, in those moments out of time when the rest of the world falls away. She knows that they’re unusually close, obviously, but everything is unusual with Cady. She probably thinks this is just how friends are. 

Even though Cady is only like this with her. Well, Cady was traumatized by what happened, and that all crystalized with Janis, so it makes sense that her reaction is to hold on tighter. She just can’t bear to lose Janis—she basically said as much. 

What point is Janis trying to make, again? 

Right, so, they’re unusually close friends. That’s a thing! Her and Damian have always been unusually close and that never meant anything. Theoretically, if Cady’s straight, it could be nothing. Some people are straight, Janis has been told that and she’s pretty sure it’s true.

Their friendship and their trauma are so intertwined. Even though they’ve built something real, through genuine commitment and hard work, the trauma is always there. You can’t look at them without that context and get an actual read on them. Right?

But then there’s Damian. He knows everything. 

He could still be wrong.

At some point, after driving herself crazy for a few hours alone in the dark, she passes out. When she wakes up and checks her phone, the first thing she sees is a text from Cady.

> Cady: you’re so sweet
> 
> Janis: what??
> 
> Cady: what
> 
> Janis: no you’re just the first person in history to use that word for me but ok
> 
> Cady: you’re the sweetest person I know
> 
> Janis: good lord
> 
> Cady: I’m allowed to have an opinion
> 
> Janis: lol yes  
> Janis: it’s just I can never be nice to you again now that you’ve said that
> 
> Cady: okay  
> Cady: can I see you today?
> 
> Janis: yeah  
> Janis: when?
> 
> Cady: any time
> 
> Janis: you wanna go out or come here?
> 
> Cady: I’ll walk over  
> Cady: by myself
> 
> Janis: *eye roll emoji*  
> Janis: I’ll allow it  
> Janis: I need to get dressed, give me an hour?
> 
> Cady: *thumbs up emoji*

When she opens the door an hour later, Cady steps forward for a hug and Janis says, “Hey, you.” Cady doesn’t pull away immediately, so Janis rubs a hand over her back, unbothered. 

“Does this count as being nice to me?” Cady asks, and Janis makes a face, caught.

“No,” she says, a beat late. “Nope, it doesn’t.”

Cady pulls back to grin at her, scrunching up her nose, and Janis rolls her eyes.

“Okay, you’re cute, I get it.”

“I’m cute?” Cady says, like she misheard or misunderstood, like the words don’t fit together.

“Is that a joke?”

Cady frowns, shaking her head.

“Oh. Yeah, you’re cute.” 

She turns away as she says it, heading for the kitchen. She starts opening and closing cupboards, trying to figure out what to have for breakfast-slash-lunch, and Cady leans back against the counter, watching her.

"How's it going," Janis says. "You good?"

"I'm great," Cady says, and Janis glances at her, surprised.

"Um," Janis says, opening another cupboard without really seeing it. "In that case, can I talk to you about something?"

She doesn't even know what she's going to say, but when she looks at Cady again her face has fallen, her eyes wide, and Janis thinks, _Shit._

"No, it's not bad," she says, moving over to Cady and reaching up to her face with gentle hands. "Hey." They look at each other for a second, then Janis drops her hands, moving away.

“Right,” Cady says. “No, of course not.”

On the other side of the kitchen, a few feet between them, Janis waves vaguely and says, “Sorry. I should be better about not doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Touching your face, shit like that. You can tell me to stop.”

Cady just stares at her. “Why would I want you to stop?”

“It’s been an issue in the past.”

“No,” Cady says. “No, no, it was never an issue.”

Janis gives her a look, like, _Since when?_

“I was just being a bitch, it never meant anything. Trust me, I would give anything to take it back.”

“Why?” Janis asks.

“This would all be a lot easier if I never said that.”

“What? What would be?”

But Cady isn’t even listening. “Maybe that’s why I said it. ‘Cause I was confused, and scared. And I fucked everything up, forever.”

“What are you talking about?” Janis says, just this side of desperate. “We’re still friends, nothing’s fucked up.”

“We’re friends,” Cady says, like it’s a whole different thing from what Janis just said. “’Cause that’s all it ever was, right? ‘Cause what I said had no relationship to the truth. ‘Cause you never felt that way about me.”

“ _What?_ ” Janis says again. “Are you asking me to lie?”

“No, I just—I need to know.”

“Okay, fuck it.” This is not how she expected this conversation to happen. “I don’t know what I felt then, I don’t—I can’t even remember anymore. But no, it was never just friendship. So I guess that’s on me.”

Cady shakes her head. “That’s not what I…” But whatever pushed her this far fades and she seems to shrink back into herself. “It doesn’t matter. I know I can’t unsay it and I know you can’t forget it.”

She isn't _wrong._ Obviously it has been in the back of her mind, even if she forgave Cady wholesale a long time ago. But she really had thought it meant something. She thought Cady said it for a reason. 

If that isn't the case, then what the fuck have they even been doing? 

“So give me something else to remember,” Janis says impulsively, her last hail Mary. “What do you want me to remember?”

Cady stares at her, frozen. “Are you serious?”

“I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t want to move past it. Tell me what to remember and I will.”

“It’s just that easy?”

“None of this is easy. But maybe it can be.”

There’s this moment of dawning realization, like everything suddenly makes sense, like Janis just now started speaking English, and then Cady holds out her hands. Janis inhales, going very still. If she doesn’t move now, it’s over. There’s no more time for doubt or hesitation.

Still, it takes everything in her to move forward and put her hands in Cady’s. Bringing them up to her face, Cady presses Janis’s hands to her jaw and closes her eyes, and Janis stops breathing. They go statue-still for a second and Janis feels like the world is turning around them, without them. 

Then Cady opens her eyes, says, “I don’t deserve you,” and kisses her.

Janis instinctively shifts forward, to set Cady back on her heels, tip the balance of the kiss. She would immediately start doubting herself, but before she can Cady is pushing back, trying to get on her toes like there’s anywhere for her to go, like Janis isn’t _right there._

And it’s perfect, it’s the best moment of Janis’s life, but—

“Can I say something?” she asks, and Cady looks fucking terrified. "No, I... think you're the greatest person, like, ever. Just the best person on the planet. Maybe try to keep that in mind?"

"Oh," Cady says. Her mouth tries to turn up at one corner and she fights it, almost frowning instead. “Now?” she says, and it takes Janis a second to figure out what she’s asking.

“Yeah, now. Always.”

"Oh,” Cady says again. “Okay. Um... could I get that in writing?"

Janis smiles. "Want me to text it to you?"

Cady nods, so Janis pulls out her phone, opening Cady's conversation and narrating as she types.

"Hey Cady, just a reminder that you're my favourite person in the world." She pauses. "More?"

Cady shakes her head.

"Okay, send."

Cady's phone buzzes in her pocket and she laughs, pulling it out and opening the message. "It looks like I stole your phone and texted myself," she says, then types something.

Janis's phone buzzes in her hand.

> Cady: Hey Janis, same.

It's Janis's turn to fight a smile, and Cady's just flat-out grinning. It’s dazzling, both to see it from this close and also because Janis can’t remember the last time she saw Cady smile like _that._

“What?” Cady says.

“You look happy.”

“Oh, weird. I’m definitely not happy. You know why?”

Janis shakes her head, smiling.

“’Cause you don’t make me happy.” She taps the end of Janis’s nose. “I don’t even like you.”

“Oh, good. Then we’re on the same page.”

They smile at each other in this ridiculous, ecstatic way, then Janis looks at Cady’s mouth. You’d think she’d be having less of a heart attack at this point, but maybe she’s getting ahead of herself.

“Can I kiss you?”

Cady nods, reaching for her, and Janis steps into the few inches of space that have opened up between them, touching her face and kissing her. Cady pushes up again and this time Janis lets her, shifting her own weight back and wrapping her arms around Cady’s waist so Cady can stand on her toes, wrap her arms around Janis’s neck and pull herself as close as possible.

Janis would love to be able to be chill about this but the fact is there’s equal desperation on both sides, like neither of them really believes this will last past ten minutes or maybe an hour, like it’s now or never. And she knows, she knows, she knows it isn’t true but when she has to break the kiss because her heart is about to explode it still feels like the end of the world.

“That’s an always, by the way,” Cady says, and again it takes Janis a second to catch up.

 _That’s an always._ Holy shit.

“Yeah?” Janis says, faux-casual even as she forgets how to breathe. “That was gonna be my next question. I wouldn’t want to, um… cross any lines.”

“I don’t think you need to worry about that,” Cady says, almost wry, and for a second Janis thinks one of them must have misunderstood. But Cady doesn’t look confused.

“You think you want… what I want… as much as I want it.”

Cady looks at her for a second, then nods.

“Oh.”

“You really have no idea how I feel about you,” Cady says, more of a statement than a question.

“I guess not.”

Cady looks at her, one hand moving to the back of Janis’s neck, under her hair, then rises up to kiss her again. Slow now, intentional. When she speaks again, she stays on her toes, their noses brushing. “I want you to know.”

“Can we sit down?”

“Yeah,” Cady says easily, like she didn’t just try to literally murder her. “Are you still hungry? I can make…” She trails off. “…toast?”

Janis laughs, walking away, and Cady hangs back until she says, “Not right now, but thank you.” She flops down on the couch, closing her eyes and trying to breathe.

Cady comes to sit beside her but stays quiet until Janis looks at her, then says, “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“What?”

“When I got here, you said… can I talk to you about something.”

“Fuck, that was stupid, I’m sorry. That’s like the worst thing you can say to someone.”

Cady nods, but she’s waiting for an answer.

“I was supposed to… say something,” Janis says. “Anything. So I was just gonna start talking and hope for the best.”

“’Supposed to?’”

“Uh…” Janis hesitates, but she can’t exactly lie. “Evie… told me to talk to you.”

Looking down at her hands, Cady goes kind of blank, inscrutable. “What did you tell her?”

Janis almost laughs. “Literally nothing. I wouldn’t have known where to start. She saw us together and asked why the fuck we were pretending to be just friends. I mean, I thought we _were_ … Apparently it was obvious.”

Cady relaxes a little, shifting her weight to lean on the back of the couch and giving Janis this soft look. “My mom asked if I didn’t feel I could talk to her about… us. I had to tell her there technically wasn’t an ‘us’ to talk about. She was so confused.”

“Wait so… you knew it was obvious?”

“Honestly, I thought either you knew, or you didn't know and you not knowing was the only reason you hadn't shut it down. I couldn't ask, obviously. I'd be signing my own death warrant."

“That sounds fucking awful.”

“It was okay until… Evie. She was like Schrödinger’s Trojan horse, either nothing’s going to happen, she’s completely innocuous, or she’s gonna blow up my whole life and all I could do was wait to find out.”

“Your whole life?” Janis says, like maybe Cady misspoke, but Cady just looks at her.

Right.

Janis holds out her hand and Cady takes it, and Janis pulls her, this time into a kiss. It’s so easy; Cady moves to her like she never would have considered doing anything else. She wraps an arm around Janis’s neck, up on her knees, and Janis says against her mouth, “I love you.” It's a reminder, not a revelation.

“I know,” Cady says without pulling away. “Believe me, I know. My messed-up thought process is not your fault.”

“It kind of is.”

Cady shakes her head, her hair brushing Janis’s cheeks, and Janis inhales, bringing a hand up to tangle in Cady’s hair the way she’s been dying to since the first time she saw her. Cady sighs, her other hand coming up to touch Janis’s cheek, and says, “The last two months, you made me feel… real. Like not even—not just important, but like I knew I existed. For sure. Does that make sense?”

“Kind of.”

“I just needed you too much. I couldn’t be reasonable about it.”

“It’s a choice, though,” Janis says, “right?”

“What?”

“You aren’t just scared of losing me.” Cady sits back on her heels and Janis immediately says, “I’m sorry.”

"No," Cady says, waving a hand. "You're too close to see what everyone else sees. I'm just not sure how to, um... Can I just say yes? Will you take my word for it?"

Janis nods—she would agree to anything right now, which makes the question she just asked even more absurd.

"I love you," Cady says. "More than anything." She pauses, then says like she knows the answer, "Do you believe me?"

Janis nods again and Cady moves forward to kiss her.

Her hands cup Janis's jaw, then slide under her hair to the back of her neck. A breath away, Cady asks, "Can this be easy now? Like you said?"

Janis looks up at her, too close for her eyes to focus properly. All she has to do is believe what she feels—her hands on Cady’s waist, the soft weight of her, the smell of her shampoo. She’s been believing in Cady for months, believing in trusting her, believing that Cady doesn’t want to be anywhere other than where she is. It’s not such a leap to believe in this, right?

“Okay,” Janis says. “I’m still gonna say stupid shit sometimes, though.”

“I mean, same,” Cady says, pulling back enough that they can actually see each other’s faces.

“We just need to be able to say stupid shit to each other without the world ending.”

Cady looks at her, one hand moving to the side of her neck to absently brush the skin there, then says, “Should we do another text?”

Janis can’t help smiling at that. “Okay.”

Cady turns, sliding down to sit on the couch beside her without actually putting any space between them. Janis pushes her over a little more, so their legs are still touching but Janis isn’t being crushed, then pulls her phone out of her pocket.

“Reminder number two,” she says, and pauses, thinking for a second. “If something I say sounds bad, it probably just means I’m an idiot, because I don’t think bad things about you. Ever.”

“ _Ever?_ ” Cady says incredulously, and Janis looks at her.

“Do you think bad things about me?”

“Why would I—” Cady starts. She stops short, frowning like she’s genuinely confused, and Janis erases her message, starting over.

“Reminder number two,” she says again. “Assume all the best things you think about me are the same things I think about you, because I think you are Literally The Greatest."

Cady takes her right hand, like she wasn't currently using it, so Janis hits send with her left. She reaches to put her phone down on the end table, then trades Cady for her other hand so Janis can wrap her arm around her. As close as they've been the last two months, there was always a line, even if Janis couldn't quite see it half the time. Now, her arm is around Cady's waist, not her shoulders, and Cady kind of melts against her side, soft and yielding.

Holding Janis’s hand in both of hers, Cady plays with her fingers like it’s very important, like she’ll be quizzed on it later. “You don’t think about—or remember hating me?”

Janis watches her face, wishing she had a free hand but unwilling to remove either one for the half-second it would take to reposition it. “I _wanted_ to hate you,” Janis says. “That’s not the same as actually hating you.”

Cady looks up at her, eyes a little wide.

“But I don’t think about wanting to hate you, either. Mostly I just feel sad for both of us.”

Looking down again, Cady says, “For me?”

“I didn’t know at the time that you were miserable. I didn’t know how hard it was. So yeah, I’m sad for that girl. If anything, I’d just… wish I could’ve rescued her.”

Cady goes still, closing her eyes.

“I know you didn’t _need_ rescuing—”

“No,” Cady says. “I probably could have used some rescuing. I know—I mean, I _know_ I had to do it myself, but I’m allowed to dream about being rescued, right?”

“Sure,” Janis says. “If you need permission, I say you can. Then again…” She frees her hand finally, bringing it up to brush Cady’s cheek with the backs of her fingers. “Maybe I just want you to dream about me.”

Cady flushes, ducking her head, and Janis touches her other cheek to turn her face. Before she can think past that, Cady is kissing her—because this is easy now. This is what easy feels like. Janis tightens her arm on Cady’s waist and Cady shifts her weight, pressing closer.

It’s not desperation, she realizes. It’s hunger. But when you’ve been starving this long, it comes down to semantics.


	9. Chapter 9

“You’re too nice to me,” Cady says breathlessly, without pulling away, and Janis nudges her back enough to give her an amused look.

“I hate to break it to you, kid, but I’m allowed to be nice to you now. It’s like, my job.”

“Oh,” Cady says.

Janis waits a second to see if she’ll keep arguing, then says, “We good?”

Cady nods, and Janis feels this next-level rush, like, _Holy shit._ This is her new reality.

Janis grins, a little giddy, and says, “I never thought I’d live to see this day.”

“I didn’t know it would make you this happy.”

“What, being nice to you?” Janis asks, but she’s kind of distracted. “God, I have so many options. Wait, can I say you smell good?”

Cady blushes harder, but she leans into Janis’s arm where it’s wrapped around her.

“This is awesome.”

“You’re so weird,” Cady says.

“I’m normal, actually.” She brushes her thumb over Cady’s lower lip, then kisses her. “I’m in love.”

Cady laughs abruptly, like she wasn’t expecting that.

“I’m just saying, it’s normal to be nice when you’re in love with someone.”

“Better than the alternative,” Cady says, and it’s Janis’s turn to be startled into a laugh.

“That’s funny, but kind of fucked up.”

“I spent a lot of time with Regina.”

“True.” She touches Cady’s mouth again, trying to decide if she’s brave or stupid enough to invoke the A-word. “Aaron was nice to you, though, right?”

“He acted nice,” Cady says, and before Janis can start imagining a change in the atmosphere, Cady kisses her, just once.

“Okay, that’s fair. At least you know I’m not acting.”

“It wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t so real,” Cady says, leaning against the back of the couch and trapping Janis’s arm. “Fake nice I can handle.”

“But we’re good,” Janis reiterates, and Cady nods.

“I want to get used to it. I want, um…” She gives Janis this look so soft it takes her breath away. “I want to see you that happy.”

“Well, good, ‘cause you’re gonna be seeing a lot of it. I wouldn’t want to be too happy all of a sudden.” Cady smiles, then Janis smiles, then she says, “That reminds me, I need to figure out what to say to Damian.”

Cady frowns.

“I need to tell him he was right without actually… you know… admitting that he was right.”

“Ah.” Cady relaxes. “Good luck with that.”

Janis grins, turning back to grab her phone without letting go of Cady and then unlocking it with her left hand. She slouches down a bit to get more comfortable, adjusts her arm, and opens Damian’s texting window.

Then Cady casually rests her hand on Janis’s thigh and all thoughts go out the window.

After a beat, she manages to wrench her focus back, typing with her left hand.

> Janis: so  
> Janis: Cady
> 
> Damian: ??  
> Damian: is this still about yesterday or
> 
> Janis: no
> 
> Damian: I’m gonna kill you  
> Damian: good news or bad news
> 
> Janis: good
> 
> Damian: how good?? good good??
> 
> Janis: yep
> 
> Damian: *crying emoji*  
> Damian: I have aged ten years
> 
> Janis: you need to chill
> 
> Damian: you can fuck off  
> Damian: tell cady I’m happy for her

“Yikes,” Janis says out loud.

“You might want to be nice to him.”

“Maybe.” She stares at her phone for a second. “How do I do that?”

“Say, I appreciate your patience.”

> Janis: I appreciate your patience
> 
> Damian: is that from cady
> 
> Janis: it’s from me  
> Janis: as advised by cady
> 
> Damian: fine  
> Damian: I wish for nothing but your happiness
> 
> Janis: lol  
> Janis: I know  
> Janis: I just need us to skip the I told you sos
> 
> Damian: I would never say I told you so
> 
> Janis: *ok hand emoji*  
> Janis: I promise I know I’m exhausting  
> Janis: I too am exhausted
> 
> Damian: we’re fine, I love you  
> Damian: I just need to spend a month at the spa

Janis opens Venmo and sends him five dollars with the note, _spa fund_

“Wanna do five from me too?”

She sends another five with the note, _spa fund – from cady_

> Janis: love you  
> Janis: talk later

She puts her phone back on the table and says, “Sorry,” automatically.

“You’re so cute,” Cady says, and Janis is startled enough that she feels her face heat up.

“What?”

"I don't think you need to apologize."

"It's better to apologize when I don't need to than not apologize when I do."

"Because of my feelings?" Cady asks, and Janis presses her free hand to her cheek as it gets hotter.

"Um..."

"It's too late to pretend you don't care."

"No, I know, um... Obviously I care."

"But?" Despite the challenge inherent in the word, Cady is relaxed, her hand still on Janis's thigh.

Janis huffs out a breath, shaking her head. "But I don't usually get called on it."

Quietly, Cady says, "Maybe I should have called you on it sooner.”

That’s a path Janis really doesn’t want to go down. "I think I just need to get used to it."

Cady looks at her like she just said something miraculous, instead of basically parroting her own words back, and Janis kisses her. They’re at an awkward angle now, entirely Janis’s fault for slouching down, but she tugs at Cady’s waist without breaking the kiss and Cady doesn’t miss a beat. Pushing up on her knees, she lets Janis tug her again, lets Janis guide her to kneel over her lap. Cady’s hair falls around their faces, her hands on Janis’s jaw, and Janis tilts her chin up, pulling Cady closer.

This—this cannot be real. There’s no way Janis has ever in her life done anything to deserve feeling this good.

"Can I say something?" Cady asks in that same breathless tone, and Janis thinks, _There it is._

She slides her hands up Cady's back, mouth suddenly dry, and says, "Yeah."

"All this time you've been... caring—taking care of me, walking me home—I've been falling in love. Seems like something you'd want to keep doing."

Instead of dealing with that, Janis says, "You worried I'm gonna stop walking you home?"

Cady smiles, shaking her head. "I just think you should know what you're doing."

"Oh yeah?" Janis says, and smirks with someone else’s cockiness. "You want me to know I'm a catch?"

"That is what I'm saying, yeah."

Janis flushes hot instantly, her skin doing this horrible prickling thing, and she nudges at Cady's waist to get her to move off.

"I—"

"Sorry, I'm just overheating," Janis says, sitting forward and leaning her forearms on her thighs.

"Oh, 'cause I'm so hot," Cady says jokingly, and Janis grins, looking over at her.

Cady smiles, looking down, and Janis watches her for a minute like it's still yesterday and she needs to take the opportunity while she can get it. Then Cady looks up and Janis looks away automatically before rolling her eyes and looking back at her.

"Can I get you a glass of water?" Cady says, and when Janis narrows her eyes in response, she adds, “I’m allowed to be nice, too.”

Can’t argue with that. “I guess you can get me a glass of water.”

Cady looks unreasonably pleased about it, and Janis watches her walk away, trying to remember why this feels familiar. It was that first Friday, when Cady got so excited about Janis agreeing to babysit with her and Janis was too caught up in feeling awkward to appreciate how fucking adorable it was. God. That was a lifetime ago.

She’s still looking when Cady reappears, and she hesitates in the doorway for a second.

“What?”

“You’re so sweet,” Janis says, and Cady crosses the room, setting the glass of water on the coffee table and sitting back down beside her.

“Your standards must be very low.”

“Or I’m just in love with you.”

Cady exhales hard, squeezing her eyes shut, and says, “Is that gonna be your answer for everything?”

“Maybe. Is it working?”

“I don’t know if I should encourage you,” Cady says, putting her hand on Janis’s knee.

“So that’s a yes.”

Cady leans into her side and Janis pulls her arm out to wrap around her again.

“I’ll stop if you want me to,” Janis says quietly, but Cady shakes her head.

“You should eat something.”

“Yeah. I didn’t get much sleep so I don’t really have an appetite. I might need a nap.”

“I can go,” Cady says immediately, and Janis almost laughs.

“You wanna go?”

Cady does that thing where she goes perfectly still so she can’t possibly be accused of responding the wrong way. For all the hours and days and weeks Janis has spent trying to model patience, it can still be a struggle to get Cady to answer a simple yes or no question.

“You don’t have to. You can hang out, or you can lie down with me, or you can go. Fully up to you.”

“You wouldn’t sleep,” Cady says, like they both know only one of those options was a realistic offer.

“I could rest my eyes.”

Cady stares at her hand on Janis’s leg for a minute. “Maybe I should go.”

“What do you want to do?”

“You know what I want.”

“Then don’t make me talk you into it,” Janis says. “Okay?”

“Sorry,” Cady says softly, and Janis brings a hand up to her jaw, presses a kiss to her cheek.

“I love you. Let’s go nap.”

When they’re lying in Janis’s bed, facing each other in the middle, Janis keeps her eyes closed. Even now, it doesn’t feel safe to look at Cady from this close. Especially not when Cady is touching her hair.

“If I die before you wake up, know that I loved you,” Cady says, and Janis has no choice but to open her eyes and stare.

“Sorry, why would you die?”

Cady’s eyes glance off hers, then she watches her own hand stroking Janis’s hair back from her face. “I’ve never felt this much in my life,” she whispers. “I don’t really think my heart can take it.”

“Oh, so it’s just gonna stop?”

Cady nods, her jaw set.

“Okay. I do think it would be pretty traumatic for me to wake up to you dead in my bed, so do your best, all right?”

Cady nods again and Janis closes her eyes.

“Try really hard not to die.”

She must actually be exhausted because she passes right out, and it doesn’t occur to her until she’s waking up that her face could have done any number of horrible things while she was sleeping. Her hand goes up to her mouth to check for drool and she rolls onto her back, inhaling deeply. Before she’s awake enough to reach for her, Cady moves forward, tucking herself under Janis’s arm and hugging her waist.

“Hey,” Janis says, both arms going around her automatically. “Miss me?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re alive, so thanks for that.”

“Well, you asked so nicely,” Cady says. Her hand on Janis’s waist is fiddling with the seam of her shirt, folding and unfolding the fabric, and it’s so close to being contact—or _not_ being contact—that Janis can’t think about anything else. But as she runs her fingers absently through Cady’s hair, she decides she doesn’t really need to think right now, anyway.

Thinking is overrated.

“When do you need to go?” Janis asks after a little while.

“Pretty soon,” Cady says. “But if you come with us you can get food.”

“There’s a concept.”

“My mom is definitely going to know something’s up, though.”

Janis almost doesn’t want to ask. “Is that bad?”

Cady lets out a breath that could be a laugh or a sigh. “I just don’t want her to think she’s losing her mind. Or worse, that I lied.”

“What do you want to do?”

“I might call and give her a heads-up… is that okay?”

‘Is it okay if I tell my mom about you because it’s gonna be so obvious she’d think I was lying if I didn’t’ is not a question Janis expected to be asked the first time she kissed a girl. The fact that it’s Cady is just… never mind, we’re not gonna go there.

“Do you want some privacy?”

Cady pushes up to give her this silly smile, like Janis just made a joke because that definitely wasn’t a serious offer, then sits cross-legged on the bed beside her and pulls out her phone. Janis rolls onto her side, watching Cady dial and put the phone to her ear. Looking down, Cady fidgets with the edge of the blanket in a way that seems distracted but not nervous.

“Hey mom. Yeah. Is it okay if Janis comes with us to get food? No, I know. That’s actually not—I mean, I had another reason for calling. I wanted to let you know ahead of time, if anything seems different with me and Janis… You remember what you asked me? Yeah.” Cady brings a hand up to cover her eyes and her voice goes a little funny when she says, “Yeah,” again.

Janis sits up, but Cady waves her off.

“No, it doesn’t matter. No, mom, she knows you. Just act the way you normally do.” She makes a face at Janis, then laughs. “Okay, okay. Mom, I get it. I have to go, she’s—Well, yeah. Okay. Love you too. Bye.” She hangs up and covers her face, laughing kind of helplessly.

Janis reaches out, rubbing her arm. “What?”

Cady drops her hands but doesn’t look at her. “She said we obviously can’t have any more sleepovers.”

“Oh wow,” Janis says, laughing. “That’s fair. Your mom’s so cute.”

“Embarrassing.”

“In a good way,” Janis says.

“Yeah.”

“She might change her mind.”

Cady looks up at her, and she isn’t laughing anymore. She isn’t blushing either, and Janis is starting to think this bed might not be the safest place to have this conversation.

“Why did it sound like you were gonna cry?”

“She asked if I was happy,” Cady says, and her face immediately starts to crumple. She holds out a hand, palm-up, then covers her eyes again, and Janis moves forward to wrap her arms around her.

“Oh, honey, why does that make you cry?”

“I don’t _know,_ ” Cady says, wiping at her eyes. “We’ve been in a good place but I wouldn’t talk to her about… There’s no way to explain, I couldn’t tell her the truth.”

“For what it’s worth, Damian was _there_ and he still thought I was being ridiculous. I think your mom would understand.”

Cady pulls back to give her a _very_ accusing look and Janis is at a loss for a second until she realizes that’s Cady’s reflexive _you’re being too nice to me._ She didn’t say it out loud, so that’s progress.

Janis smiles innocently and Cady rolls her eyes. She wipes at her face again and says, “My mom is gonna kill you if it looks like I’ve been crying.”

“Jesus Christ,” Janis says. She laughs, more out of surprise than anything, then just keeps laughing. “What the fuck am I supposed to do about it?”

Cady straight-up giggles and they both lose it a little bit, laughter edging into slight hysteria. It’s been an intense day and it actually feels good to let go for a second, even though Janis normally hates to lose control. If Cady wasn’t laughing, this would be a nightmare.

“We have to _go,_ ” Cady says eventually. “Get it together.”

That just makes Janis laugh harder, and Cady abruptly gets up and leaves the room, which seems fair. It’s surprisingly effective. Janis settles down almost immediately, taking a few deep breaths and wiping her eyes. They do tend to feed off each other’s energy, which isn’t always a good thing. It isn’t always bad, either, but definitely something to keep in mind.

When she’s relatively certain she won’t be set off again, Janis gets up to look for Cady. She’s right outside the door, leaning against the hallway wall with her hands behind her back, and she looks up when Janis walks out.

“That was a good call,” Janis says, reaching for a hug.

“I have good ideas sometimes.”

“You’re a good idea.”

Cady sighs. “Okay.”

When they meet up with Cady’s parents, Janis loses all semblance of chill and every ounce of confidence, trying her hardest to become invisible. She’s afraid to speak, afraid to touch Cady, afraid to _look at_ Cady, but she won’t make eye contact with anyone else, either. They get food and bring it back to eat at the kitchen table, and Cady and her parents talk around her as Janis picks at her food.

Out of nowhere, Cady’s mom says, “Janis,” and she almost jumps out of her skin.

“Ma’am?” Oh, fuck. Just make it worse why don't you. 

“Hon, you know we think of you like family, right? This just makes it a little more official.”

“ _Mom,_ ” Cady says. “You make it sound like we’re getting married.”

“Janis doesn’t mind, do you, sweetheart?”

Janis borrows a trick from Cady and goes perfectly still instead of answering. Cady’s mom is _way_ too observant. No one needs to know that.

“The point,” Mrs. Heron says, and it sounds like she wants to roll her eyes, “is you’re family, and you both need to ‘chill.’”

Janis looks up, catching Cady’s eyes, and she’s seconds away from full hysteria which is _not_ the vibe she’s trying to end the night with. “I’ll be right back,” she says, getting up and heading for the bathroom.

“Binti?” she hears Cady’s mom say behind her.

“She’s fine,” Cady says. “She just needs a second.”

It’s funny how the balance shifts. Cady is on her home turf, calm and collected, while Janis is barely keeping it together.

“Be cool,” Janis orders her reflection. “Just fucking… be cool.” Nothing has changed. Cady’s parents _want_ her to feel comfortable, they want her to act normal, which means in love with their daughter, but that’s so many worlds away from everything Janis knows it’s inconceivable. This whole day has been varying degrees of inconceivable. Maybe her brain just needs a break.

By the time Janis comes back, the table is clear and Cady’s mom is wiping down the counters.

“Sorry,” Janis says from the doorway, and Cady turns, reaching a hand out to her. She walks over, giving Cady one of her hands and putting the other on her shoulder, standing behind her chair. She waits to feel the heat of Cady’s skin through the fabric of her shirt, then looks up.

“I put your salad in the fridge, hon,” Cady’s mom says. “Are you staying for a movie?”

“I’m still pretty tired,” she says, mostly to Cady, who squeezes her hand. “Thank you, um… for what you said. I appreciate it.”

“Don’t thank me, hon,” Mrs. Heron says. She holds eye contact, and after a beat Janis nods. There’s layers to that— _you’re family_ and _I know you’ll be good to her_ and _I’ll still kill you if you aren’t._ Janis has never wanted anything more than to be good to Cady, so it’s an easy promise to make.

She gives in to an urge she’s been fighting and bends to kiss the top of Cady’s head. Cady inhales, her shoulders lifting, and Janis shifts her thumb over to brush the curve of her neck.

“I’ll drive you home,” Cady’s mom says.

“I’m coming,” Cady interjects.

“You can come if you don’t cry.”

Eyebrows going up, Janis says, “Are you crying?”

“No,” Cady says sharply, and she must make a face because her mom makes a face back. Janis takes a step back and Cady gets up, turning around with her hands held out at her sides. “I’m not crying!”

Janis grins, amused, and Cady instantly deflates, losing her defensiveness in a way that makes Janis think maybe she sees it. Maybe Cady can actually see the way Janis looks at her, maybe she believes it. 

Probably not, but it’s a nice thought.

If they were alone, Janis would say something, or kiss her, but as it is she looks past Cady at her mom, who goes back to the fridge for Janis’s salad.

Cady gets out of the car to walk Janis to the door, and despite herself Janis starts feeling flustered, like she’ll trip over her own feet at any moment. When they get to the door, though, Cady shifts her weight, glancing back at the car. Janis has her keys in her hand but she waits, expecting… something. Then she feels stupid for expecting something, like she should be the one who knows what to do.

This is no man’s land, to be fair—neither of them on home turf, technically in public, with Cady’s mom in the car. Still, this isn’t how Janis thought today would end.

“Can I have a hug?”

Cady steps forward, wrapping her arms around Janis’s waist, and Janis hugs her as tight as she can. 

Closing her eyes, Janis lets out a breath and says, “Goodnight.”

Cady squeezes her waist, then steps back. “Goodnight.”

Janis has barely locked the door behind her and gotten her salad into the fridge when her phone buzzes with a text.

> Cady: thank you for today
> 
> Janis: I have no idea what you're thanking me for
> 
> Cady: can I just appreciate you  
> Cady: is that allowed
> 
> Janis: hmm  
> Janis: I guess since you're so cute I'll allow it
> 
> Cady: *eyeroll emoji*
> 
> Janis: that's your face right now?
> 
> Cady: .......no
> 
> Janis: ok  
> Janis: if you roll your eyes next time I call you cute I stg
> 
> Cady: you'll stop?
> 
> Janis: .......no
> 
> Cady: ok
> 
> Janis: wanna call?
> 
> Cady: you're tired
> 
> Janis: oh right  
> Janis: I forgot
> 
> Cady: goodnight 2.0
> 
> Janis: fine  
> Janis: g00dn1ght

This ending makes more sense—standing in the middle of her kitchen and grinning at her phone, giddy as fuck, being told to go to bed by her… girlfriend (?) because she cares that Janis didn’t get enough sleep last night. Okay, it doesn’t make sense, that’s the wrong way of putting it. This might not ever make sense to her. But it’s less depressing than an awkward hug on the doorstep.

Though awkward hugs on doorsteps are kind of their thing. When she thinks about it like that, it’s kind of fitting.

Next step: Normal hugs on doorsteps. That seems like a realistic goal.


End file.
